Thank your for reading my thread. I too think That H maybe in MLC of some sort. I set bounadaires 3wks ago 2morrow. I have to say that since I have set the boundaries I have more peace of mind. I really don't contact him at all, unless it is concerning S or financial business. Detatching in this way has also helped me to worry less about what he is doing while he is not at home. I know longer question him about OW.
It is driving him crazy that he can not just get in touch with me whenever he wants or just drop by without notice, and that I am not calling. When he 1st got me on the phone last nite he wanted to know why I am keeping S from him? I said, you know I would never do that and you are welcome to spend time with S whenever you would like????????? The same man that didn't want him for the weekend????????? He then said, you have a ticket on the car w/a fine attached. Why do you always wait until you have a penalty b4 you pay these tickets? (it has always been a bad habit of mine, I don't pay things promptly) I said, H, you are right. I have a bad habit of waiting til last minute to pay things. God is working on me. I am a work in progress. I am learning the things that I need to do to become a better me but I can't change everything at once, but that is on my list. He said, I just want you to take care of yourself. I said, I am just learning to do that. I agreed that it is a concern and took all of his venom. He had nothing else to say and the rest of the convo was carefree. The old me would have gotten very defensive. I was shocked at my own reaction and proud of myself.
He has started calling a lot more. He is starting to have general conversation with me. Last nite he called me 4x's back 2 back to just talk about nothing. He wanted me to make sure that he knows when my sis-in-laws baby shower is because he wants to support my brother because he is having his 1st child. He asked me does my car need to be serviced? I said, yes. He said, would you like me to take it Saturday morning? I said, I would really appreciate that. He had previously told me I could get my own car serviced(b4 boundaries and persuing had stopped). We laughed at a couple of things going on in the family and I was the first to say goodnite.
He called me back and said, That his graduation is 5/21/04 . He wants S to come. I said, you have really worked hard these past 5 years and I would like to be there to see you graduate as well. He said, I know but they are only allowing 1 guess and the others have to pay [$85],WOW! He then went on to say that it is important that S see his accomplishment and I said, I understand. I am disapointed that I will not see him graduate but I will get him something to show him how proud I am of him.
I found a new C and she is Christian C. If you are a Christian or don't mind a spiritual guide she councels from the bible as well as the school books. I am very excited to see her. I asked her how does she views M and she said I am christian and that should help you understand how I feel about saving an M. All M's are salvagable and I will do as much as I can to help you and him heal from the past and then together as H and W. My 1st appointment is today at 5pm.
I’m so glad that your H is showing you some progress! It is especially important for you to remain detached now. He’s watching you, and turning things around too quickly will put you back at square one.
What if a boundary for you is to only answer one of H’s phone calls at night and then call him back if the voicemail specifies something important? I think being a little less available will be a good thing for you and for H.
Now, since you are not going to be sitting around waiting for a phone to ring, what WILL you be doing with your time in the evenings?
Will this car service situation mean you are not bike riding with S on Saturday morning? And how ‘bout that daycare license?
I think Laurie’s plan of having someone watch S for you over the weekend is a good one, however, as more of a last resort. I want to give you something else to think about. Having S go with H on the weekends is also a way for H to see what life will be like if he proceeds with this divorce. He’ll realize that he doesn’t get to make all the decisions and that he can’t be the one who gets to reject any inconvenience at any given time. It may also cause him to realize first hand what you do on a daily basis. And the quality time that he is spending with S may help to bring him out of his funk. Not mention, he’ll get a first hand look at what you’re doing when S tells his dad of all the new things you’re trying!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
I am going to suggest to H that he take my car Friday nite and I take his pick up truck. S and I can then go bike riding Saturday morning.
I have been preety much either a loner or with H for over half of my life so therefore I need to reconnect with some folks to have some company in the evenings or find things to do on my own. I really love to entertain. I wil start having more BBQ's and such. I like to host art shows, home interior shows, etc........
I am very close to H's family and he is also close to mine. Is it ok to still do things with the in-laws or is that considered persuing? My in-laws call me all of the time and like to spend time w/me. They are annoyed with H , but I have told them to listen to him, even if they don't agree. It makes him feel lonely because they all support me. H does not have a problem with visiting or talking to my siblings! My sister will casually mention, your H called me today. I will say, what did he want? She says, nothing. He just called to talk.
He also made it a point ot find out if I were going to his neices fashion show. I said , yes. He said, me too.
Doing things with the in-laws is entirely contingent on your own situation. If you hang out with the in-laws and talk on and on about H and the separation, I’d say that is a form of perusing…one that I would shy away from. But if you go out with your in-laws and chat about everything BUT marriage, divorce, separation and H – I don’t see a problem. Think of something to say before hand, such as, “Mmm hmmm but did I tell you about the BBQ I’m organizing with my work friends” or something similar when the subject of H or marriage comes up. By standing firm in your resolve, you’ll be doing yourself a favor by learning to put the focus on yourself and what you’ve been doing. Make sure also that there is NO mention of your woes, nothing but happy!
Oh, and FYI - Even if you tell your in-laws to listen to H rather than validate their crabbing, I’d say it is too much H conversation.
Sounds like a goal in the making…scheduling a BBQ or home party…hint, hint… But remember, that you need to learn to find happiness and company in yourself, too. If the world were empty of people…what would you do with the time on your own hands?
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Geez...you really have many great advice here, dont know what else to add except that finally my H told me that when he saw me moving on (I started going out and meeting people)and kids being 'ok' without him, he started thinking. At first he told himself, well this is good, at least we can go our separate ways peacefully, but later he realized he couldnt take it because he wanted to be with me and watch kids grow up. I never know that by us moving on and acted as if has been the turning point for him.
Hope this helps a little.
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
H took my car to get brakes Saturday. He called me from the shop and said, My truck is in the shop as well. Can you take me to pick it up when I bring your car back? I said, sure. As soon as I get in the car, he starts in on how junkie my glove compartment and trunk is, WTF???????(I'm thinkin' don't we have more important things to worry about) He used the F word when describing my glove compartment. I said, there is not reason to use profanity when discussing a glove compartment. Either you speak to me in a respectful manner or don't talk to me at all. I said, did u find the insurance card in the gove compartment? He said, yes. I said, that is what is important! He got really quiet for 2 reasons. 1. I use to give him a run or his money w/the arguing. I would go word for word and have to be right. No more, I state the facts and it is over and now he wants to go on and on!
2.I never set boundaries as to how I would allow him to speak with me and let him know if he can't do it , then we can't talk.
Well, then he says, what is it going to take for you to make some changes in your life? He knows that I have made changes and he is furious so now he nit pick about every little thing becasue the big things are no longer issues. I no longer let him get to me so he is trying his hardest to get the old combative me to resurface. I said, I am working on me from the inside out. My changes are working well for me and I feel great. He said, you need a progress report to make sure you are doing ok!!!!!!!!!WTF Does he think I am a child? I said, I am fine working on things with my own system. He said, your system has not worked all of these years. I said, yeah the old system did not work and that is why I am making changes in my life.
I want to point out his flaws so bad but I know that he is in a "it is your fault" mode so he doesn't see his faults. I don't want to play the blame game anymore so I ignore him. He'll realize he's got some changing to do somewhere down the line. He is just justyfying bad behavior right now.
He called me on SAturday night and asked if he could wash a load of clothes. I said, YES. He comes over and I go for a walk. When I get back we have small convo. Then he leaves. He calls me and says, I have your door keys by mistake. I said, why do you have my keys?( I got the locks changesd)He said, because The was a strip of lawn that needed to be mowed and I needed your keys to open the garage and put them in my pocket. That was Saturday night and I still haven't gotten them back. I think he is up to no good........This man is so confused.
One of my male neighbors had given me a little problem before an he made it a point to let me know that if he gives you any problems to let me klnow because that is my job to handle a difficult male neighbor, not yours. Pretty over-protective for a guy that doesn't care anymore!!!!
We haven't said "I love you" in 3 wks. We had never stopped up until now. I miss those words.
I’m trying to post this before a meeting, so I didn’t count the number of times you used H, he, him, etc…but it was a lot.
Nitaf…I know that this is hard. I know that it doesn’t feel right or natural to be acting this way or living this way. But please, for your sanity’s sake, be firm in your own boundaries to fulfill your needs.
Where did those goals go? Did you go on a bike ride with your son? Did you find out about day care licenses? Did you begin to plan for a party or join something to meet new people? What did you do for NITAF this weekend?
How about this for the next time he calls to ask if he can do laundry. “I’m sorry, I have plans tonight. I’d be happy to have you over on Monday, though”. Maybe not verbatim, but being a little less available would be a good thing. And until he is choosing to treat you respectfully, maybe you should have your car’s service taken care of on your own. Imagine his shock when you say, “thanks for the offer, but I’ve got it taken care of”.
Shock and awe, Nitaf…shock and awe.
I’m glad that you were able to set boundaries on how he talks to you, fabulous work there!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
S decided he didn't want to ride his bike Saturday. I went jogging on my own. Sunday H came to get S at 9:30am. I left and S said, H asked where you was going?
I am sticking to boundaries. I thought H asking to wash wash better than him just doing it as he did in the past?????????
I have not found out about license and I need to join something.
Oh, don't get me wrong! H asking was definitely better than H just doing it without your consent! I just saw a great opportunity to enforce that boundary with him and to create a little mystery at the same time.
What are you planning to do with the key issue?
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
I will just tell him that I am coming by to get my keys. I won't wait for him to bring them to me. Do you have any suggestions?
He also was calling me last nite at about 10:30 PM. He called house phone, then cell. I didn't answer ether. He knew I was home because he had just spoke w/S @ about 9:30PM. I just didn't feel like talking to him!!!!!!
