Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[Rita]

DnJ, this is not my reply to you yet. I have to take time just for that.

Today I just wanted some empathy from All Those Who Know about my kids --

Last night D10 cried and cried and cried. She started by telling me that she doesn't sleep well when she goes to H's house. Then she cried and cried about how she just wants him to come back. Then about what a terrible person he is. Then a long one about OW -- apparently H told her on Wed that OW was buying scrunchies for her daughters and thought of D10. D10 cried and cried to me, "I don't want her to think of me! I don't want to be in her mind! I don't ever want to see her or know her!"

I channeled DnJ and Gordie as best as I could. I wanted to throw up and cry and scream, "No, Lord, no!" to God himself. But I listened and tried not to offer too much by way of solutions except to tell her that she was learning so much to know what she thought and felt and that she could set limits and stand up for herself. She could tell her dad that she doesn't want to have OW around at their times together, etc or even say the truth about her feelings about her, even if H didn't respond the way she wanted. I told her about myself as a teen with an MLC mom and my stony approach to the stream of boyfriends my mother had at our house. I told her that she could call me even at 3 in the morning if she wanted to come home from H's house, and I would come no matter what.

Then we went upstairs and S14 wanted to know what was going on, and so we told him about it and he listened and asked a lot of questions -- e.g., "Is H going to live with them and be with her kids?"

Later when they were sleeping I stood over their beds and prayed for them to feel the comfort and peace of God and to just find the courage and strength they needed to get through this terrible ordeal and still thrive and have joy in their lives.

Then this morning S refused to go to school. He has refused to go five times in the last two weeks, and I had to go to a meeting at his school just yesterday. It is a special school for kids like him, so they are not going to kick him out, but it's so stressful!!!! But anyway today it was about not being able to put in his contact lens and he was screaming with rage, etc., and then finally admitted that he was really upset about the OW and about his dad. He kept asking about H loving the other woman's kids or being with them on Thanksgiving and also he kept saying that it just bothered him so much that H didn't know he had done something wrong. S14 has not seen or spoken to H since May. We talked about mental illness and I explained how helpful for my own emotional health it has been to block H from my e-mail because H sends S14 some really over the top texts and is constantly trying to get D10 to pass messages to S14 or get S14 to come with them, etc. But S14 said he wants to keep him on text because he wants to write him some mean replies. I said that he should write them and then burn or delete them because it would probably just get a more painful exchange going. I said all his feelings were the right ones, because this situation was awful, and it would be weird if it didn't make him feel awful. And then we talked about not letting this ruin our lives, and figuring out our own joy and our own path, etc. But he still wouldn't go to school.

LORD THIS IS PAINFUL. I would love to hear from all my DB friends right about now.

I had been feeling pretty good about some of my mothering lately -- I was going to tell you that I always was thinking that S14 really missed the roughhousing that a man does with his kid, and so recently I started roughhousing with him like crazy and he loves it, we are both laughing the whole time. I honestly don't love that, I am not a roughhouse type and am very small while S is getting very big and manly; but I just go with it for S and it has been a great connector for us.

But wow the last 24 hours was tough.

DnJ, I think D10 is ready for your letter; and S14 could use a refresher.

More later on the rest of what you wrote.

Hugs to all from A Shaky Gerda.