Great to hear you are doing so well... you ARE amazing and doing incredibly difficult work on yourself. I think it is terrific that you're thinking more about how your actions are for YOU and not to influence her thoughts or feelings.
I definitely feel like this middle ground situation is especially difficult to navigate (and on these boards, where it feels like the LRT and going NC is the primary means of success)-- it isn't like she's an angry stranger asking for a D, but is clearly extremely conflicted and still very much connected to you. I'm sure it is true that going NC would make her miss you, and maybe that is the only way for her to truly understand what it would mean to lose you. On the other hand, if you aren't in a place where you can do that and feel OK about it with yourself, then maybe it isn't the right move at this time.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
