Augusto, very sorry you're going through this! It's hard enough without the WAS going into screaming witch mode. But it happens, and all you can do is detach. Rooskers offered some great advice.
Originally Posted by Augusto
For some reason, she has no money. I don't know why, she has her own account and I can't see it.
I think we had this discussion before unless I'm mixing your sitch up with someone else's, but I highly recommend you come up with a set amount that you transfer every week/ bi-weekly or monthly. Make it clear to her that that's what she gets, period. She needs to learn to balance her finances on her own, might as well start now. If you maintain this situation where she has to keep asking you and you have to keep meting it out to her, then that is just going to cause a lot of anger and resentment as you've discovered. Transfer X to her and that's it. If she spends it on purses and shoes and runs out of gas as a result, that's not your problem.
You've got to detach! Quit getting drawn into long convos. Quit rescuing her every time she screws up. Leave her alone!
Quote
She's just upset in general that she doesn't have money
And who's fault is that? She wants to be single, let her be single. She's got to discover that the single life isn't all rainbows and roses.
Quote
Yesterday she just wouldn't even say hi. Against my better judgment I decided to ask her what was wrong
And it backfired. So what did you learn?
Quote
I should have not asked her why she was upset and just let her be.
Exactly.
Quote
But we've regressed here, and I have no idea why.
It's normal. This isn't a linear process. There are good days and bad days.
Quote
We were going to go to mediation next Tuesday. I asked my L to postpone it, I have a super important meeting I can't miss that day and it's being moved to Dec. I expect my W to be super upset at this, she thinks I'm delaying the whole process. Which I'm not consciously doing.
Quit worrying about her reactions. If she can't be angry with you about that she'll find another reason. Let her be angry- her circus, her monkeys.
Quote
She asked me to pay some of her bills, because her credit score dropped again (ironic because she screwed both of ours) but I had to email my L to see if I'm supposed to pay those or not. Haven't heard a response yet.
Again, quit rescuing her. Pay her bills to raise her credit score? Are you kidding me????? Not in a million years.
You can't placate her. You can pay all her bills, pay for all her gas, take her shopping for shoes every day, and she'll still hate you. And worse, she'll have ZERO respect for you, because she'll see you as a pushover.
Quote
Then she asked me if I was picking kids up tonight, which is supposed to be "her weekend" with the kids. I told her no, because I'm planning on doing some GAL activity (still don't know what). She asked me why? So now is upset, I don't know if she's upset because she had a plan to do something or because she hates the idea of seeing me do something else (or a bit of both)?
First, great job telling her "no". You need to learn to make a habit of that! Second, who cares why she's upset. She's just looking for reasons right now.
Quote
She then went on a texting tirade about this, and how I never helped her or cared about her. She's completely rewritten our 20 year M and 29 year relationship. I tried to validate a bit and keep responses short, but she just kept going on a barrage.
Here's what I suggest- when she does this then go onto your phone and temporarily turn off notifications for her texts so that your phone doesn't buzz or ding when she texts. The texts will still show up when you go in and look at them but you won't get constant notifications. Then later, in an hour or whatever, read the texts and offer ONE validating statement such as "you sound angry, I am sorry you feel angry over this" and then let it go.
Quote
Then telling me to tell my L to stop delaying things, that delaying the D is hurting our kids. I had to fight every urge to respond to that.
Good, often silence is the most effective response.
