Is there even a point in confronting her living with OM if she is not disclosing it?
Ask yourself what you wish to accomplish by confronting her. Is it b/c you want her to know that you are aware of her living with OM? If yes, then what's your next move?
If she says, "Yes, I am living with OM, so what?" Here's where I think some LBH's have the misconception that his WW will feel so ashamed that it will bring about some type of emotional response (lots of crying, apologies, begging for forgiveness, pleading to take her back, making promises, etc.). The LBH believes the act of confronting his WW will bust up her affair with OM. Sometimes, the LBH will get a response somewhat like he wanted, and sometimes the confrontation merely pushes the sitch to the next step/level........which in this case, would be divorce. So, it's not a matter of us telling you what is the point of confronting your W..........b/c you are the one who has to figure out why you confront and what you wish to accomplish. The answer may seem obvious to you, but let's think about it for a minute or so.
I hope you aren't grasping for some quick fix, b/c you still have this type thinking that she & you will make up and your lives will return to normal. I'm not against confrontation, if you have a plan of action to follow up the confrontation. What's the point of telling her that you know what's going on, if you just lay down and do nothing?
Some people believe that once a couple separates they can date or sleep around as if they were no longer legally bound. When the cheater leaves the faithful spouse in order to be with OM/OW.......or to live a different lifestyle without the betrayed spouse, then some LBS's are ready to drop the rope (physically, emotionally & legally). I'm not inviting people to a discussion about their personal beliefs, b/c this is about your life, your moral integrity, and how you will have a good life with or without this person who betrayed you. Some betrayed LBS's can create a life apart from their marriage and the cheating spouse, and "stand for their marriage" until the cheating spouse either pushes through with the divorce work or returns home. Therefore, I encourage you to have a sense of the direction you will take before you decide to actually confront her.
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I'm holding ground on needing to see growth and change, self-reflection, no contact with AP/OM, therapy, etc... I'm just not seeing any progress from her, and the sitch seems to be getting worse since her initial anxiety from moving out / separation.
Okay, it's fine to hold to certain things you'll need to see in her. Let's talk about how these things you've listed usually come. First, let me say that she doesn't want to hear anything about your needs or requirements, b/c she is wrapped up with some other guy. Therefore, don't waste your breath by telling her the things she will have to do in order to reconcile. Especially during confrontation, don't use that time to talk about anything other than the purpose of your confrontation. Don't tell her these things you want to see in her, until she seeks you out and sincerely asks what would it take to reconcile.
Growth and change. What ways do you want her to change? I think anyone is capable of growth and positive change, if they want it bad enough, but it doesn't come cheap for wayward wives. Those who are rebellious, filled with stubborn pride, clings to old resentments, unforgiveness, lack of respect, and numerous negative attitudes and/or mental issues...............,.growth & positive change isn't as easy as some people might think. In the first place, it's going to take humility, if the positive change is for real. She won't even feel remorse, if there is no humility. The WW experiences a particular loss of something precious to her, or accumulation of loss due to her waywardness. For some WW changes begin fairly quickly, but for others who have such hardened hearts, it can take much longer.
Self-reflection is a good one. Why do you need to see this in your W?
NC with OM is absolutely #1 priority in order to reconcile successfully. This includes her agreement and cooperation in a transparency plan, designed by you (not her). If OM is a co-worker, then one of them must relocate. She cannot beat the strong withdrawals that follow ending an affair, if she continues to work with the affair partner. Even if she doesn't see him at work every day, she can never see his face or hear his voice or read his messages again.
All of the the things you've listed are extremely important, and they will be ongoing work for her, for the most part. I want to suggest a few things that you might consider needing from her. 1) End all contact with OM; 2) Agreement to engage in transparency plan; 3) Commitment to doing whatever is necessary to save the MR; 4) Humble apology; 7) Therapy. 8) No separate bedrooms.
I may be leaving out something, but I think those a the initial ones to consider.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
