Quote: Yes, he will be with me this weekend. I am going to have a talk w/H today about having him every other weekend at his moms. I am just going to calmly say that although I understand that being at parents house is not the ideal sitch, your son needs to spend time w/u every other weekend. You don't have to spend it in the house. Take him out. Enjoy the weather. If you are not in the house, they can not boss you 2 around.
How about not solving the problem for him? He made the choice, he’s an intelligent human being, let him figure out a way around the problem. Simply say that next weekend is his weekend and that you’ll drop S off at a certain time. S is also old enough to suggest doing some things outside of the house.
Quote: It is amazing to me that since he left he pays attention to things having to do with S that he never paid attention to b4. He never use to buy his clothes. That was always my job. He is buying him a bunch of stuff and taking him to all of his basketball games, but not really spending any quality time w/him. I told him it takes more than that to be a father. I think the guilt is making him spend ridiculous $$$$$$$$$ on S. S has caught on and now just asks his dad for whatever he wants!!!!!!! S tells me that he really doesn't want to spend the weekend w/him though. He said, he would rather be home with me. He won't call his dad unless I say so. H said, can you let him pick up the phone and call me sometime? I sid, I ain't got a lock on the phone! He said, I shouldn't have to do all of the calling. I'm like o.k?
Would both H and S respond better if there were a set time to call? Perhaps H can call at a certain time or S can. Every Monday at 5, H can expect a call from S. S will get used to doing it on his own. It is hard as a parent to send a child off with your spouse when they don’t want to go. My little boy is only 20 months, but he has this problem as well. However, it is beneficial for them and for you to spend that time together. If it is easier on S, maybe suggest having only daytime visits at first, or only one night at a time, or something that works for you. And the money issue, well, the ideal solution would be to sit down with your H and talk this over rationally. In reality, it might be one of the many things that you have to just let go for now! But I truly believe that by not adding to his guilt, this will subside. And remember, getting on with your life rather than dwelling and wallowing will defintely play a role there!
Quote: H is so controlling. He was drooping S off last nite and noticed the sensor lights by the garage were on. He said that the kids are playing with the light switch by the garage. The next thing I know he is coming in the house with the bulbs in his hand. He says where do you want these? I said, why did you take them out? He said because I don't want the kids playing with them, Their wasting electricity. I'm like , you don't live here do you? Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, easy one! He says, “where do you want these?” and you say, “if they are burned out they go into the trash, and if they are not, I’d like them back in the lights where they belong, thanks”. No need to ask questions. No need to remind anyone of who lives where verbally. Do not let him get to you!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Quote: How long was it b4 your W actually started talking about reconciliation?
Nitaf
It was about 9 months after W first asked me about a divorce that I finally told her that I'd go ahead and file. That's when she said she didn't want one...just wanted time. That was Aug 02 and she'd been out of the house, staying with friends pretty much since March. That was also the first time she started taking anti-depressants, although she refused to stay on them for any length of time until January of this year.
She got her own apartment two months later (Oct 02) and really didn't start talking about moving back home until about 6 months later (Mar 03). She actually didn't move home until November 03 which coincided with a two month trip of my own...so we really weren't back together until Jan 04. Not that problems ended then. We still aren't totally in sync.
I guess it's hard to give a firm answer to your question because I don't really know when the whole thing started. Just that Thanksgiving, 2001 was when it really blew up in my face and I started to get a clue. After the first nine months of telling me she wanted a divorce and me saying I wanted to work it out, she reversed her stance only when I agreed to seek a divorce. Probably not just a coincidence, but then again, I'm not sure the same result would have occurred if I'd given in sooner. She's since told me that she was convinced I didn't care and was surprised when I wouldn't jump at a chance to divorce her and get out of the marriage. I'm still not sure what I did to give her that impression.
Anyway, when she told me she was moving out, she said it was only temporary. It ended up being 13 months..not exactly my definition of temporary. But she did eventually come home. But she is still distant and very easily upset.
Boy, laying out the timeline makes me realize how long this has gone on...that's depressing. Well, I hope I answered the question and hope it helps in some way.
Don't let it depress you. How about look back and see how far you've come. I am sure you have made great changes within yourself. Are you 2 actively working on restoring your M?
Quote: After the first nine months of telling me she wanted a divorce and me saying I wanted to work it out, SHE REVERSED HER STANCE ONLY WHEN I AGREED TO SEEK A DIVORCE. Probably not just a coincidence....
No, it isn't a coincidence, it happens quite often, when you simply give in, raise the white flag, back off, ACCEPT HER DECISION TO END THINGS..and move on in a quiet, NICE, confident manner..
One of the reasons I still stay semi-active on the BB is quotes like the above, so that people can look at things from a different perspective, that IN GENERAL, they have triple the chance of drawing a WAS back towards them when they AGREE to ending things, AGREE with whatever the WA sees as the problem, and set THEM FREE if they do not want to be Md or part of the R. Do it in a non condescending, non malicious, HAPPY, NICE, UNDERSTANDING way..and the probablility is, the WAS may feel safe in taking an emotional step towards you again, because you are no longer trying to convince them how staying Md is "right' when they don't see it that way for whatever the reason.
The ones that are STRONG enough to give in to ending the M, and can convince themselves that they will be FINE either way, there will always be someone else if the WAS doesn't love them anymore...THOSE are the ones that seem to succeed in saving their Ms much moreso than those that hang on, hoping that their WA comes out of some fog..
I can't explain it other than the the fact that you are more attractive when you are willing to sacrifice the M and give a WAS their freedom, than when you don't. Additionally, letting them go, takes away the PRESSURE of making them feel "responsible" when they no longer want to be. They can then think more clearly if LOSING you is what they really want. That cannot be achieved until they are convinced you can handle life without them..
Good luck with your reconciliation, hope it works out..it probably will if you act like a man who will handle any outcome the same...with confidence and strength..
Just wanted to offer some advice for the weight gain. Try bodybuilders supplements. (shakes) They are great to put on weight, and as long as you exercise (biking being a great exercise) you will put on muscle and not fat. Make you more shapely. Weider weight gain is a great one, not too expensive, and pretty yummy to boot. Good luck!
Meredith has given you some very good advise. Listen to what she is telling you. You are focusing way too much on your marriage, your husband, and what you can do to fix all the problems.
Like many of us have learned throughout this journey, there is nothing that you can do to fix your husband. There is nothing that you can do to make the relationship between his son and him what it should be. You are getting to involved in all that stuff and it is driving you crazy.
You have taken care of so many people and have been so responsible for others all the time that it is natural for you to want to fix everything and you have to stop that. You have to see your old marriage as dead and gone and stop trying to revive it. It isn't the marriage that you wanted or that your husband wanted because if it was, you wouldn't be here.
The best thing that you can do is focus totally on you and your son. If you husband isn't going to take your son for the weekend, then that is his loss. Make him miss it and want it and by forcing him to do that, you are not. Yes, boundaries are important and they should be set, but the more that you try to make him be responsible for things, the harder he is going to fight you because you are being like a mother.
You don't want to be his mother nor do you want him to see you as his mother. Meredith is right when she says that you need to work on goals that are only for you. Make a life for you and your son and enjoy it. The harder that you try to get him to see the changes in you in hopes that you will get your marriage back, the more frustrated that you will become.
There are many things that you are going to learn on this journey, but you will not learn them over night and you can not make things happen any faster then what the Lord intends for them to happen. There is much healing that you have to do from your past and present. Not all of the issues have to do with your marriage. You have been through alot and it is going to take time to deal with all of the issues that you have yourself and it is going to take your husband time.
I know how hard it is to realize that they are hurting and what they are feeling is very real to them. Too many times, we try to justify that what they feel about us is wrong and what they think about us is wrong; but we forget that that is how they actually see things. How does it make you feel when your husband doesn't understand how you are feeling? It is very frustrating when you are not validated for how you feel and those feelings are very real to you. Well, the same is for him. What he feels is very real to him no matter how right or wrong he maybe in what he is feeling.
The more you try to explain why he is wrong for what he feels, the more he is going to pull away from you. That is telling him that you don't care about how he feels. Yes, he doesn't have the right to treat you or anyone as a doormat, but in the same sense, he doesn't have the right for people to tell him what he is thinking and feeling is wrong.
Those are true feelings for him and he needs to heal as much as you do. As long as you are trying to fix things between you and him, the Lord can not work in him and heal him because of the interference. Put him in the hands of the Lord and put yourself in the hands of the Lord.
There isn't a time limit as to how long this is going to take because it is in the Lord's perfect timing as to when it is complete. When it is complete, there will be total healing and no more obstacles in the way. There is a site about standing for your marriage and it is www.rejoiceministries.org. It has helped me a great deal, but also praying and reading the word has helped as well.
I have learned alot on this journey and some things were not so pleasant. I had to learn to let go and let God. I had to realize that I had to love my husband unconditionally and forgive him for everything in order for me to heal. It has not been easy and the hardest lesson of is learning patience. Patience you are going to find out is the thing that you are going to have to have the most of.
If you want time for you, then set it up with your sister to take your son for the weekend. Let the people who want to be with him be with him. Right now your husband is going through alot and it does sound like MLC, but I could be wrong.
If it is, you are in for a very long journey and it is going to be all about him for a very long time. That is why it is so important for you to concentrate on you and your son and let the rest be.
Weider weight gain is a great one, not too expensive, and pretty yummy to boot. Good luck! 