Yesterday’s IC session went way better than the first two. I finally left with some real things to think about which is good, but now it’s got me in my head starting to spiral a little. The two main takeaways were that I need to begin recognizing my feelings more, understanding why I’m feeling that way, and express it to my W instead of holding it in. I realized how much my feelings change from the minute I walk in the door after work to an hour later depending on the day. Most of the time, I can remain happy and positive regardless of interaction, or lack thereof, with W. However, there are days where I swing from happy and hopeful to confused and scared. Those were the feelings we started to dig into. I know I get confused when I get little bits of positive feedback from my W one day and then it completely disappears. I don’t expect these things to continue, but can’t help but be confused as to why they vanish suddenly. What is going through mind is something that I may forever confuse me. The fear part I couldn’t completely answer. I know I have a slight fear that “the R we have today is as good as it will ever get” but I’ve been facing that one down and learning to just enjoy today for what it is and try to stop worrying about tomorrow. But I knew there was more to it than that. The other question that I could not answer definitively yesterday was centered how day-to-day is great but I still feel like she is withholding from me; “Why would she do that?” Of course there are several logical reasons almost all of which have been discussed here in depth, but I can’t say for sure because I still have no idea what’s going through her mind. Most likely; she doesn’t love me anymore, she’s confused as to what’s happening with my 180’s and doesn’t trust them, or she’s having an A. I fell asleep processing all of this and jolted awake at 1:00 am when it all came together at once and I started my spiral. Here’s how it went: “Why would she withhold from me?” Because she doesn’t love me. Because she is having an affair. Because she’s planning the D. She’s been dropping little bits of hope for me to keep the peace at home while she’s been making her plans to leave. I’m leaving for a 3 night trip today and it’s been planned for months. She leaves for a work trip for a week on Monday. “What am I afraid of?” I’ll be gone for three days and I’m going to come home to an empty house on Sunday and get served with papers on Monday while she’s on a plane to spend a week with OM (if there is an A).
Trying to snap out of it and stay positive. Debating whether to follow IC advice and tell her I feel confused and why. If I do tell her, do I keep the fear portion to myself, or at least scaled way back?
