Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 5

[DaB35]

Listening to certain bits of NMMNG again and I do honestly feel I'm overcoming this behaivour.

It has been eye-opening to realise that I was always trying to placate W all the time, even if it meant I was unhappy.

A simple example would be Christmas. Her family live far away (with the exception of her brother who was only 30min away from us), and my family are an hour away.
However it always felt like we had to spend as long as possible with her family, like 5-6 days over Christmas, yet 'shoe-horn' visiting my parents, sister and aunt for a day or two at the most, then we'd have to be off visiting her friends etc. Her family visited us very infrequently; her parents would come visit (usually at a few days' notice) once or at most twice a year, and her sister and her family would probably come once a year, but most of the time we'd have to drive up north to see them. Yet W would not make time to come down to see my family as much. I've mentioned before that she has on more than one occasion expressed that she prefers Christmas with her family ("It's more fun when it's a [her surname] Christmas." This really upset me but would I just let it go year after year.

Lots of other minor things too. If I made a little mistake whilst driving - say I was a little too close to the car in front approaching a roundabout, or was struggling to reverse out of a tight parking spot - I'd get a rant admonishing me, a lecture about what I did wrong, and then be told what I should have done instead. Sometimes I'd snap back "OK OK I'm trying!" or again just let it hit me and not respond. Then I'd bury that emotion and store it up along with all other frustrations, annoyances etc.

I've really analysed how I approached (or rather did not approach) these situations, and thought about how I'd do things differently now with this newly found confidence and more self-respect I have.

I did put her on a pedestal and that was dangerous because I lost - to use a term from the book - my 'personal power' in the R. However, thinking back, she put me on a pedestal too. She was always making out I was this perfect man to al land sundry and as I result I disliked that as I felt I couldn't ever do anything wrong or slip up at all, and if I did I let her down really badly.

Have others found this too - being too subservient then realising it too late?