This is hard for me. I've got to put down the sword defending myself. It just gives credence to his lies and turns half-truths into facts.
Yes it’s hard.
A sword attacks. A shield defends.
A validating comment, with one’s ego out of the equation, is a great shield. It quashes his attack with such elegance. You are basically agreeing with him, and not, at the same time. You agree with his feelings and yet state your non-acceptance of their fact. And your correct getting dragged into a war of words just adds to his justifications.
Originally Posted by scout12
I feel he holds me to an impossible standard. I take the high road 99% of the time and there's no acknowledgement, then the 1% I slip up, show emotion, react badly, I'm crucified for it. It does my head in.
99% is really good.
Be sure you are not holding yourself to an impossible standard as well. We’ve all been emotional. Had our emotions get the best of us. It’s ok.
Taking the high road gets easier and easier as this goes on. A few tips to help. Put a delay into a conversation. This gives you a chance to calm down, figure out what you want, think, and believe you should say, instead of saying what you’re feeling.
When texting or emailing, wait 24 hours before replying. 48 hours if you’re really aggregated.
A bit more difficult during face to face discussions. However, you can say “I need some time to think about that”. Then get back to him with a reasoned out approach, not an emotional lash out. (Not that you lash out too often)
You are starting NC, so conversations are going to be limited. Stick to business at hand, and think shield not attack. H is going to push your buttons to try to get you to engage. Stick to the high road and let him be.
You are not going to get any acknowledgement from H for your walking the high road - or not much if it is any. That’s ok. You take the high road for you. It will make you feel better, and it is good inner growth.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
