Scout's QLC journey

[Rita]

I need to work on being less reactionary. Issues concerning S are my biggest trigger point.

I am reading an amazing book on healing from cluster B abuse. It's called, "Whole Again," by Jackson MacKenzie. I wish I had read it at the start of my stand. My H was not an abuser before MLC but he is definitely one now. This book is about how to discover and heal your wound, and it starts with being aware that your wound is in your body. I know the physical reaction you describe very well. It is very real. But it is in your body, not your mind as much. I really recommend you read this book so you can stop being hard on yourself for not doing DB right or not being where you want to be with your H. You are going through a trauma and it gets very hard to keep a clear head. You are also one flesh, and ripping one flesh in two is very painful. Your reaction to your H around your son is totally normally, and it is not normal for a 2-year old to be away from Mama overnight. So you are very right to try to limit the overnights as much as possible. You will feel really awful the night he is away, and that is the right response too, as painful as it is. You are a mom and you love your child and want to protect him from all pain. You may have to let your H take him but you never have to feel like this is a normal way to live. It isn't! You are here to help your child weather this storm, not pretend that we all love diving into a hurricane. Please read the book and forgive yourself! And when you are able to, go no contact. I wish I had done it years ago. You can't rationalize with your H, and he will be horrible to you for a long time to come. You have to cut off all communication that isn't necessary to protect yourself. I can see you spiraling just like i did, for many years. So here is a big hug from MLC-battle-scarred Gerda. ((((((Scout))))))))