He told me he doesn't trust my motives when it comes to S, which I KNOW is absolute rubbish and the kind of thing a person who is used to operating under ulterior motives would say. He hasn't responded and I can't seem to calm down knowing what kind of response I will probably get.
When he say things like - he doesn’t trust your motives - say “I’m sorry you feel that way”.
You don’t have ulterior motives, but he feels you do - so it’s not rubbish to him. Remember he is angry and justifying stuff with lies and half truths. So acknowledge his feelings with “I’m sorry you feel that way”.
Do keep expectations down to minimum. He may respond as you “expect”. He may ignore you. He may respond differently. I know how difficult it is to calm down. Breath and focus on you. Don’t worry about his response, deal with it when, or if, it arrives.
Originally Posted by scout12
It makes me incredibly sad that enforcing boundaries just adds fuel to the fire he has raging at me. It's clear he doesn't understand that consequences =/= punishment. I just feel like this is putting nails into the coffin of our marriage. If I give in to his manipulation and demands, he will be happier with me and around me, and perhaps reconsider whether I'm worth leaving, but I will have compromised my integrity. If I enforce boundaries to protect myself and S, I'm pushing him further away by confirming that I'm exactly the bad person he says I am, but I will feel safer and happier in the long run.
If you give in to his manipulations and demands, pretzel yourself, he will find new things to complain and blame you for. And then you can start all over again pretzeling.
He needs to look within himself. You cannot make him do that. Only he can make himself happy. That is not your job.
Boundaries are for you and son; stick to them. These are not manipulations to fix a marriage, they are protection against unhealthy behaviours, words, criticisms, etc.. from H that will hurt and/or debilitate you. Do not worry if it adds some fuel to his fire, you need the boundary, regardless of what he perceives - it is for you.
And, just so you know, from an emotionally stable guy - gals with integrity and self worth are very attractive and worth sticking around for. Do not sell yourself short, and that again has nothing to do with H. However, it may just cause him to take a second look and become interested in what and how you are doing so well. That would be a bonus, the real goal is you and your self worth.
All LBS get in a cycle and it takes some time to figure one’s way out of it. Listen to the hard earned wisdom of those who have gone before; this is a counterintuitive process. It does feel wrong at first, until you get it.
Focus on you and stay strong.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
