Who was it that said "when someone shows you who they are, believe them"?
I bet, that if you look back carefully over your life together without the rose colored glasses on, you'll realize that he was never quite the man you thought he was. Did you go along with doing only the activities HE wanted to do, and seeing the friends HE wanted to see? Was he obsessed with your appearance and how you made him look? Was he over-the-top into you in the beginning, sweeping you off your feet, only to turn? Or was he always avoidant, difficult to win, never quite 100% in the relationship? Were you always giving more than he was to the relationship? Were you spending a lot of your energy to keep him "happy"?
This really hits home, especially "avoidant, difficult to win, never quite 100% in". In the latter years of our marriage I could barely pry him off his video games to spend time with me. We had sooo many discussions about it and it always came down to ME having the problem - I was needy, controlling, unreasonable, uncool, a big meanie. I know now that I could have phrased it in a better way, ie. stating a desire rather than making a complaint. But I didn't have those relationship skills back then.
It's so hard to know what was real and what was a smokescreen. I bet if he read your paragraph above, he would be nodding his head in agreement that it describes ME to a T! Many times over the years I expressed my needs or concerns to him and he would fight me so hard deflecting and justifying his behaviour that I'd end up apologising for being too complicated and rocking the boat. I think now that I actually had very reasonable expectations of my spouse, but he was unwilling or unable to meet them.
Originally Posted by kml
Marriage and raising children is hard. You're in a very tough position because you already have a child with him. But you still need to look down the road and think about whether keeping him in your life is going to be the best thing for your child. Will he be the partner you need when your teenager does drugs, or your 12 year old gets a life-threatening illness? Sometimes a good step-father can be better than a really damaged father.
I already know the answer to this. He is not the role model I want for my child. I'm thankful he has little influence over his upbringing. I would be disappointed if S grew up to be like H.
Quote
Now - what big dreams for YOUR future can you start working on? What things did you give up or put on the back burner because of H? What have you always wanted to do but were never brave enough to try?
I'm kicking goals at work! I received a promotion to management the week before H ran away and while it has been insanely challenging to keep all the balls in the air between full time work, full time parenting, legal proceedings, and coping emotionally with this MLC garbage, I have done really well as a new leader.
The thing making me really happy at the moment is investing in my living space. It was something that H didn't value and therefore didn't want to spend money on, but I'm a big homebody and it gives me much peace, clarity and joy. My current project is filling the walls with inspiring art.
I do as much outside of the house as I can with a toddler. Meeting new friends, reconnecting with old friends, saying yes to all invitations. But I also enjoy taking the time to care for myself with good food, long baths, relaxing down time, and plenty of sleep. Another thing that H made me feel guilty about.
