I'm really struggling this week. My psychologist helped me verbalise that I'm afraid of his reactions and since then my anxiety is off the charts because I've decided to start enforcing some boundaries. I started meeting him at my front door for kid handover rather then letting him come and go in the house as he pleases. I didn't state it out loud but it will become clear through consistent action. The first time I did this on Tuesday, I was physically shaking. I said hello to H and S, asked S to say goodbye to dad, asked H for S's bag, and said see you later to H.
On Wednesday he sent an email with dates he is unavailable to visit S throughout November/December due to work. I just had a thought that it's possible that work isn't the only reason he is unavailable on weekends... Hmm. He wanted to take S to his family Christmas for 48 hours which would involve his first overnight away from me. He also said he wanted to see S on Christmas. We had already discussed Christmas in person and I had said he could either have S half the day or all Boxing Day and he seemed fine with it.
I agreed to swap the unavailable weekends. I agreed to the weekend overnight, but said I'd be more comfortable with only 24 hours away from home as it's the first time away and he's not yet 2 years old. I said I had plans with S and my family on Christmas Day, but he was welcome to take him for the whole day on Boxing Day. I added that I hope he understands I'm under no obligation to accommodate changes to the current schedule so his gratitude is appreciated.
Sending this email sent me into a anxious crying fit. I've internalised so much of the garbage he's spewed at me about being controlling, mean, cold etc, that I have absolutely no confidence in my own integrity. He told me he doesn't trust my motives when it comes to S, which I KNOW is absolute rubbish and the kind of thing a person who is used to operating under ulterior motives would say. He hasn't responded and I can't seem to calm down knowing what kind of response I will probably get.
It makes me incredibly sad that enforcing boundaries just adds fuel to the fire he has raging at me. It's clear he doesn't understand that consequences =/= punishment. I just feel like this is putting nails into the coffin of our marriage. If I give in to his manipulation and demands, he will be happier with me and around me, and perhaps reconsider whether I'm worth leaving, but I will have compromised my integrity. If I enforce boundaries to protect myself and S, I'm pushing him further away by confirming that I'm exactly the bad person he says I am, but I will feel safer and happier in the long run.
