Have had a lot of massive massive realizations, and a few unpleasant circumstances regarding S2. Been very introspective lately. I'm going to have to summarize it which may take a while. I wish sometimes I had a tape recorder for my thoughts. I want to journal all this stuff, but don't want to take the time being a busy body, and put off journaling because I'm filling my life with how I want my home. Daydreaming of having family over, Christmas Thanksgiving etc. Money is tight. But I AM LOVING being alone, having things my way, and really looking forward to the future. Earlier this week XW got notice S2 that his daycare is releasing him at end of month due to developmental issues. She went into panic mode and was going to find a way to change jobs and remotely work from home. But she found a place I think to accomdate his needs. He may possibly be autism spectrum. Having him tested. I doubt it though, he's two... He is getting early intervention however. There were other convos of significance that was all about her earlier in the week I will mention later in my summary. She was upset. I gave her a hug and kiss on the forehead, said we would figure it out, and left it at that.

I noticed mid week after text from MIL I started thinking about XW all day at work and all the past experiences. Realized that I trained my brain over the last year to think about her and situation of last year at work. The next day I brought her soup since she was sick when picking up S2. She was on the phone with MIL who was supposed to bring XW dinner, but couldn't because of last round of chemo. XW never mentioned I brought her dinner in convo. Whatever...Offered to take S2 Friday all into the weekend. I originally had Friday off. I did it to alleviate her as a nice gesture to give her a break and I wanted extra time with S2 anyway.  No thank you or gratitude, just an offer she was more than happy to ask about and accept so she could go out. Midweek I found all vday cards birthday cards, pictures etc. Going back 12 years. Eyes welled up a little and I boxed them up. Afterward I was good. Forever my @$$!!!.. Last Friday picked up the kid. She was dressed up ready to go, nails painted, etc. Saw a red piece of lingerie from the hallway on her bed when I grabbed the kid. Could be my imagination playing tricks but again... The red flags...Went to a toy convention with the kid Sat. It was awesome! Free classic arcade games, Al kinds of old nostagic toys. Rock em sock em robots, Evel Kenevel stunt sets, TMNT, loads of Star Wars stuff. Board games. Darth Vader, Bobafet, and a few other characters were there. All kinds of video game consoles from Collecovision, Atari to Nintendo, etc. We had a great time all weekend until he got sick again Sun. He hasn't been able to kick his cold in over a month.  XW found another facility for S2 to transition into. Cheaper cost too because of her affiliations with county behavioral special services.

So the conversation of somewhat significant I had with XW last week was her doing most of the talking and I JUST VVVAAALIDDDAATTED.... LOL..(Oh brother! The lingo around here.) XW was saying she was feeling sad over all the circumstances with parents, us, S2, family, etc. That she has no support and no one to talk to other than therapists about all this and maybe a few family members. She said that she hasn't seen her friends since the summer and hasn't talked to them much about everything. That she was growing distant a little with them too because they all have families, lives, etc. (I think that's b.s. with one of them cause wedding invite came multiple times back with maiden name.) We traded comparisons on how she felt like she never gets out, and how I felt the same way about my own social life. We both perceived that we were going out a lot apart from one another when I was IHS until last week. (I'm pretty sure she's hanging around with brother's divorced ex GF.) Always dressing up potentially going on double dates, but I could be wrong. She went on to say how my brother's ex GF was encouraging her to look at other men, and that she can't even begin to consider that, that she needs to process all this and feel sad for a while, find her tribe, develop new aspects of her life, health, mental, business, etc.. I actually encouraged her to date if she feels like it when she ready because I'm just done being insecure, and since I moved out I just don't GAF! She went on to say how she still feels so inauthentic as a person when taking with people, like she is still putting on a social mask which she has done her whole life..NGS (Nice girl syndrome.) That she just wants to be real with everyone. That she just needs to feel sad for a while, make life changes and process this. She tried to probe about me going out and what I'm doing. Just kept it basic in reply. Cigar smoking, hanging with the boys, and band practice. I noticed she volunteered nothing about activities. I know I need to be a little more mysterious. Gave her the standard response of "The last thing I need in my life right now is another woman. I need to focus on me, S2, and life transitions." Since that convo I've been very short in response and convo. Only about S2. For the first week I didn't give her my full address when she asked for it. Just town and road. At first she was extremely curious and wanted to see the place, then played it off for emergency purposes related to S2, which I understand. She thought I was being paranoid at first. I made it clear to respect my privacy and call before ever showing up. We agreed only for S2 pickups and emergencies, and agreed to notify one another when taking S2 out of the general area.

But then I had her pick up S2 and gave her the tour the other night. She was a bit envious.

Honestly I am absolutely loving living alone and focusing on me. What I'm doing what I want how I want things, etc. Moving my garage and tools this weekend which will be a nightmare into itself, but... Onward and upward. Detaching and loving it. Mediation may start back up in the next few weeks. XW is already making a lot of changes around the house, and some professional and personal development, turned the MBR into a work out room and office in a week. I took off from work today to watch. S2 he is sick with a nasty viral infection cough and fever which has been persistent for over a month. Im noticing more changes around (Now her house.) the house, and it doesn't even feel like I lived here after a week. So I am accepting it well, and her changes well and moving on with my progress and my life slowly day by day so that's good. Onward and upward. Its just the stupid stuff that momentarily pi$$es me off for like 60 seconds. Like now she cleans off and eats at the table and decorates, now she cleans the dishes and cleans up after herself, now she starts cooking and eating healthier, now she wants to better her life and herself for someone else. Anyone else. Now she allows BIL's dog but is allergic to pets. Its not that she didn't want to change, she just didn't want to change for me, but Im sure she could say theme same about the changes I am making too. Its like all these changes I wouldn't have had so many complaints in the M in the first place and loss of attraction. But Im over it now in less tgan 30 seconds. We are both changing for ourselves so that's good, and Im ok with it.

Funny out of completely nowhere. I am getting dates out the ying yang online. I made one for next week and am just keeping everything strictly platonic for now just for the sake of being social getting and to know people. Not going anywhere near relationships. I never thought I would say this but I really am loving being alone, focusing on myself, having a few new experiences, developing a few new habits and revisiting old hood ones. The more I focus on bettering my life doing somethings that I enjoy, without being co dependant on another, the more I forget about her and who she was and how things were little by little every day. I'm not replying to texts right away, not picking up phone calls immediately and keeping comms very basic but friendly. My anxiety has lessened a great deal. Im actually starting to see her as a person now, but as an XW and not a W. Slowly every day. So I'm ok for now. I set some friendly boundaries, I help when needed with S2 and I keep it nice but business like. The thing is now... I want to keep it this way. Not for the sake of attracting her back any longer but because I actually want my own life, privacy, and freedom, and allow her to do the same. I feel a little healthier, and I'm on my way slowly to my best version.

Ill update in a few weeks...lol..Sorry I do massive story dumps..