Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 5

[crdcheck]

Woke up a little sad and frustrated this morning. Thought about how much I really want everything to work; how I am sad that W simply gave up and that she didn't want to even try MC or piecing for a few months; how frustrated I am that she's stubbornly going through with D because everyone in her circle has said it's what she should do. She has taken the "easy option" (her words).

Yep, I'm with you on this. You can be feeling great and then hit a slump. I try to remember that when I felt good, I didn't imagine feeling bad, so when I feel bad, even though it's tough to imagine feeling good, it will come.

My view is that if there are problems in a marriage we shouldn't run away unless there are obvious risks of actual physical danger (e.g. abuse), or where things have been going on for so long without change.

The first part of that is certainly true - the data says that, unless there is physical or drug abuse, everyone is better off making it work ("Should I Try to Work It Out?: A Guidebook for Individuals and Couples at the Crossroads of Divorce"). Don't bother trying to get your W to read it - she'll do what mine said "it's all biased, cherry-picked". Uh huh.

I still find it hard to understand how she could switch off all feelings for me and mention D within literally 24 hours. She has acted completely emotively and not had any period alone for reflection. She hysterically broadcast everything to lots of people all at once, and now I feel she can't go back and change her mind. I feel upset at that, but I guess what's happened is I've had time to work on myself without her knowledge. I've really changed - apologies for that excruciatingly cliched phrase there - and shaken a lot of emotional baggage off my mind.

Our Ws were checked out before the dropped by bomb. Maybe for other good reasons they didn't share, maybe for "bad" reasons (e.g. OM). Regardless, no one rational throws an M away over a first offense (your case, not mine) and when the other person is willing to work on the issue.

I remember feeling upset when I updated her on my 2nd IC session and I mentioned that communication was an issue and she just said, "Hmmph...it's so American! All about feelings. What a load of rubbish!" I thought, 'thanks for your support.' Actually, being in the throes of NGS I didn't respond to that remark of hers; I was just hurt. But then I didn't know about DBing or boundaries etc at the time.

You may think of more examples like this. Even pre-cheating I remember telling my W things and she blew them off. Like, "Hey, I read this book about NGS and it sounds kind of like me." "You, nice? You are a jerk, and now obviously confused".

I want to tell her that everything 'good' I did in the marriage - all the hugs, kisses, emotional and financial support, cards, presents (for her 30th birthday I hired a Tesla Model S for the weekend - I remember the look on her face when it pulled up outside our house), my proposal to her, little surprises I arranged for our wedding, everything - was genuine. It was not out of guilt because of my affliction going on in the background for years. I honestly wanted to make her happy and be a good H. I know I can't tell her this as that is pursuing of the worst kind. I don't know if there will ever be a time when I can say all of that to her face.

You and me both. Maybe NGS? I don't think that it was too much pursuing, we just also need to make sure our needs are voiced early.