Victorious III

[SteveLW]

Oz, I think the problem isn't that you've done what people have said, or that you're being told you're doing it wrong. I think the problem is you're looking at DBing like a checklist. Like you do A, B, and C and you've arrived. As if DBing is a path you follow on the way to a destination. And you feel like you've traveled the path to a tee ... And that you should be arriving at the destination any moment.

This stuff isn't like that. What you've done, what you're doing, it isn't wrong. At all. But your expectations with it are. You're standing on top of the mountain thumping your chest in victory. Yet nothing has changed. You're still in limbo. Your fate as a couple is still in her hands. You're saying you don't care if she stays or goes but after the discussion you admit to being sad. Talk doesn't change anything. So what are you DOING that's different?

That's what my suggestion was about. You called a "script". Nope. A script is spoken, what I suggested was action. The script was you telling her about your action. The action was already taken!

Telling someone they are free to go isn't telling them anything. We are all free to go. I could stand up from my seat right this minute, look at my wife, and say. "Goodbye. I'm leaving and never coming back." Then I could walk out the door never to return. I'm free to do that whether she says I am or not.

Imagine if after she says those awful things, instead of plotting to have a discussion you went to a lawyer, drew up D papers and filed. (I can't remember if she already has, but if so then you could change this to going to a lawyer and having a separation agreement drawn up...etc) Notice...action.

Do I believe you've detached? Absolutely, I think you've made great strides on it. But I think you've missed a huge point that talk is not DBing. Action is. Look at the advice we give: GAL..180s. Detach. Action.

So now that you've had the discussion, be what are you going to do? Or is it all up to her, just like before?