I guess it depends on whether I'm going with the be detached and happy DB route... or go with the stronger tough love DB route for WW.
It's all the DB route.
I am just now seeing where you said your W is living with OM. Yet, you still resist that she is wayward? You had rather believe this has been caused by mental illness, rather than a negative mindset about her H?
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Been struggling since the interaction several days ago... I think it's due to 2 things...
1. How poorly I handled the interaction... based on feedback from LH and Sandi.
2. How the sitch seems like it has not improved or even regressed from 2 weeks ago.
If the newcomer does something without running it by the board, then we try to point out how he should handle it. That's how you learn. It's not to make you feel worse about your sitch, okay? As for things not improving or regressing the past two weeks, I think it's been explained by others, so I won't repeat it.
There is something I sense in your posting. You are focused on the reconciliation with your W. This can cause some men to take a WW back too easily and too soon. By that, I mean the H is sooooo focused on just getting his W back, that he doesn't tell her that it's not going to be that simple, and he doesn't tell her what will be required in order to really reconcile. Those LBH's who just let the WW waltz back into the home and pick up where they left off....... set themselves up for more pain & suffering. The WW has to go through certain things, before she is really serious about reconciliation. Simply returning to the house is not real reconciliation. They may be under the same roof, but that's about it. The thing is........WW's don't want to do that emotional hard work, b/c it hurts like heck! So, she'll try to con her way back under her own terms.......which might mean separate bedrooms, no remorse, no commitment, no transparency, more secrets and hidden agendas, etc. If the LBH doesn't know what to expect, then she'll do a number on him like you wouldn't believe. We are here to try and help you be prepared and know what to do or not do. At least, maybe we can save you from going through mistakes former LBH's have made.
This won't be resolved as long as the OM is in her bed---or in her head. She can't jump from not loving you to loving OM to not loving OM to loving you again....all in two weeks times. Women aren't wired that way. Even if they broke up today and she came running back into your arms, she'd still have him in her head. A woman loves/desires one man at a time. Don't get me wrong here, she can make the decision to do the right thing at any point. She can choose to leave him and go home, and start the process of recovering from her waywardness and the affair addiction, etc............which is a tremendous emotional task for her. You will need to know how to lead in the M, and to support her during the reconciliation period. While you are separated is the time you can use to stock up on the information you'll need. I am barely skimming over things at the moment, so if I say something you don't understand, let me know.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
