Totally and completely relate. I feel done and over it and him, but I have two things that still crop up for me. The first is just WTF. Every now and again, I think how in the world did this happen. All of it. Not in sadness or anything, sometimes I even laugh about it. It just still catches me unawares and makes me do that.
The second is exactly what you describe. I can't bear that he or anyone else views me as the bad guy here. From the beginning if I would say it bothered me that he was lying about me to people (his people), my mother would say you shouldn't care anything about those people, what they think, or what he tells them. At first this upset me. I didn't understand why she had to say that. Now, I kind of get it. I really don't care anything he says to them and if they believe him, that is on them. He has treated all of them badly as well. And your friend instantly knew the problem was him, not you. So don't worry that the things he says look bad on you. People see him for what he is, whether they advertise that or not.
I still hate that he thinks he hates me. I don't know why that bothers me. When he refuses to talk to me (about kids, divorce, house) I feel like he is telling me that I don't matter as a person. That I am so insignificant that I don't deserve a response. Took a long time. But I think my son helped me on this one. I always tell the kids, when they say they hate him or don't want to talk to him, or anything, that he is not in a good place, he's depressed, he's hurting too. Finally my son said, "Mom, this is his choice. This is how he is choosing to behave. Stop making excuses for him. He is choosing to do this." Whatever the reason, whatever the cause. This man who gets up and goes to work and cares for the sick, and gets raises for his performance, and bonuses, etc. (and therefore a functional, adult human) is choosing to behave like a nasty piece of you-know-what to the woman who made that life possible for him and the only children he will ever have. He just isn't a good person. Sometimes that is the answer. When a bad person thinks you are the bad guy, should that hurt? I don't think so.
I recently read this book about the science of adult attachment. Very interesting because I've never subscribed a lot to all of that stuff. Well, very interesting to see how avoidants behave in relationships and how easy it is to spot them when you are not nose up against them. You are clearly an anxious attacher (as am I), so you are waiting for the new guy to treat you like the avoidant (avoidants and anxious attachments are drawn to each other but bad news). Sounds like he is a secure attacher, which is the kind you want to be with. Read the book, I think it will give you a lot of "ah has" and help you intellectualize your reaction when you feel this attachment injury in yourself.
You are doing great. Getting there day by day. You have your whole life in front of you. As you shut the door on the past, thank him for the things he has forced you to learn about yourself and what you want and don't want in your new life.
