Divorce and Acceptance Part 4

[Pax_luv]

Just a non update journal entry-
A couple of things have happened in the last two weeks that have put me in a different headspace. Not in a bad way at all and I’m still feeling good- just a couple things happened that had me reflecting over ex a bit.

I still have some of my own ego to deal with in terms of accepting the fact that I’m the bad guy in his narrative. This feeling has creeped up a couple times over the years and while I’ve gotten better at it, I still get this sense of how “unfair” it is for me to be his villain. Former friends and in laws completely and utterly dismissed me without even questioning the reality of the situation. I try to be a good human and no, it doesn’t sit well with me knowing that someone out there has fabricated my integrity. Again... that’s my ego and something I have to deal with. It comes up from time to time and I try to accept it but it’s hard.

I think this was all triggered by his interaction with my friend where he put me down in front of her. I wish I could go to him and say, “ don’t you have anything better to do than minimize my existence?” But I don’t.... and then bite my tongue as I have for the last few years.

I think this reflection caused me to have a dream about him. For some reason I had to take a shower in his new house—in his master bathroom. When I got out, I was snooping through the women’s jewelry on the night stand to get a better feel for the woman he replaced me with. I was trying to get a sense for why and how she is so much better than me. Then, in the dream, ex caught me snooping and I commented, “nice jewelry” and he replied, “this is what you wanted. Come on pax..... what did you expect me to do?” He was all sad about it.

The, I woke myself up. I distinctly remember the feeling of saying No to myself. “I’m not doing this,” and I woke myself up. I was pretty much crying out of frustration because it’s hopeless.. I feel like I’m always going to have this mindf*ck. Where I’m always the bad guy, where I’m always going to be fighting him, where I’m always going to be wrong In every situation. I mean.... all we have now is the dog and that is a struggle.

And to be honest... I don’t know how to relax and be completely myself in certain situations because of this conditioning. For example, I went to Costco the other day with a friend. I hate Costco... it’s just chaos. Now..... I can deal with crowds that are more orderly like concerts, massive marathons, etc, but the free-for-all of Costco is too much for me. I’m the conservative one who lets people pass in front of me with their carts, and reach over me while I’m looking at something. I’m not the one cutting people off and being overly assertive. My ex is that person... he would basically shove carts out of the way with his cart and it made me very uncomfortable. He would get frustrated and get snippy with me because I was not that way.

So, last week, while we were at Costco, I kind of got into my catatonic self, where i just look like a deer caught in the headlights and I kept waiting for my friend to get mad at me like my ex would. I was expecting it! Long story short, she didn’t, and was even supportive of me!! But I was on edge because I have a learned response in that environment and I got triggered.

Ugh. Same goes for a guy that’s in my life right now. It’s not really a defined thing, but I keep waiting for him to get pissy at me for being myself. I am myself and I’m not trying to be someone I’m not, but I’m still waiting to be judged and ridiculed for it.

I guess I just need to trust and believe that I’m good enough as I am. I spent a decade in a relationship where it wasn’t safe to be me and nothing i did was ever good enough. And even though I’m 5 years out of that relationship, I still have those triggers. Maybe it’s because ex is still lurking in the background.

Ahhhhh. Ok that was cathartic.