Just wanted to touch on one of Sandi's thoughts some more, regarding how hard it hit her when her H said they would not be BFF's and she would not have the option of returning home if she left. It was because she knew he was SERIOUS. He did not say those things as tricks to get her back. A lot of LBS's will go through the motions of saying things like that hoping it scares the WAS into staying. That does not work because WAS's can tell when you mean it and when it's just lip service. And if you say it as a trick and then later try and recant, she will lose what little respect may still be left. Tricks don't ever work. Mean what you say, and be 100% willing to follow through, or don't say it to begin with.
AS/Sandi-- not to hijack this thread, but I have a thought/question about this. My H is/was in an EA and every R talk we had post BD, I have been absolutely adamant that if we D we will NOT be friends-- I've painted this incredibly bleak picture of D, including threatening to go for full custody, hiring the meanest L I can, all our friends and family would know he's a cheating a**hole, what our girls will think, etc. He, on the other hand, has this ridiculous fantasy of D where we are still best friends and eat dinner together every night, still vacation together as a family, he just goes off to his other house (and presumably AP). My stance has caused him to get incredibly angry with me, he's talked about it at length with his IC (who has told him that we are both intelligent people and we can make D however we want it to be), says over and over he knows I'm not that kind of person, I wouldn't deny our kids time with him (and then alternatively AM I really this evil of a person to threaten these things???), etc etc. However, I meant it 100%. I'm not proud of it, but that is where I am emotionally.
Anyway, this has been a point of contention and the last couple of R talks we've had he's really pushed that if he can consider my point of view (building a new, better MR... he thinks his two choices are D or a passionless co-parenting MR and doesn't see the possibility of the third way) I need to be more open to the idea of what a positive co-parenting D relationship would look like. I have told him that I'm not ready-- for me to be able to consider that option, of D without being enemies, I need to feel like we've both really tried before I am willing to consider other alternative scenarios in which we might be friends.
All to my major question-- I wonder if I hadn't been as adamant about not being friends (and meant it) early on, maybe he would have moved out, or moved down to the basement? He's said he's wanted to a couple of times but never acted on it. If this is/was a significant factor in him staying, that would be really helpful for me to know as I move forward (so I don't soften on this one-- I feel like I'm starting to) but also might be a helpful bit of info for other LBSs.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
