Well you certainly cannot "help her" become any more aware than that. Based on your posts I'd say she is acutely aware of the mess. Whether it's affecting her or not is hard to say. WAS's are masters of "acting as if". She is very likely in extreme turmoil inside even though she's acting calm, cool and collected on the outside.
That describes my W very well. At the start told me how she has all these "nails" that represent pain, that can't be healed. Then she told me "I feel dead inside". Then in one discussion tells me, "you think I'm depressed but I'm fine". All along, when we talk about certain topics she'll cry to the point of hyperventilation. But you see her sometimes in the morning, and she puts her music and is singing and sometimes even dancing.
Mutual friends that see her once in a while say that she tells them she's struggling. I don't know why she hides all of that ... to fool me, the kids or herself?
