Hi, Meredith. Thanks, for your honesty. I agree with you . I think that there is a misunderstanding though. I didn't say to him that he could come in and I never said he had to be that way. I ignored him, but just took notice. I never once spoke on it!
I do want to be strong, self-sufficient and deserving of the utmost respect. I want to make these changes in my life for me and not for him. I have to remember that H is just the icing on the cake, me getting myself together and becoming a better person is the cake!
The best thing about what I am going through is I don't think I would have ever faced these issues if I hadn't been faced with my H leaving. It is funny how God has a way of making you look @ the man in the mirror to makes some changes! I so look forward to becoming even more of a wonderful person than I already am. I have always struggled with setting boundaries in all areas of my life. I always felt taken advantage of. I was always afraid that if I said no, someone may not like me anymore. I have always been a people pleaser. I want to be a stand up for me kind of person. H would accuse me of being all of the things above, and he too was taking my kindness for a weakness! A lot of what went on in our M stemmed from me being afraid to rock the boat and he knew that so he basically felt like, I can do whatever because she's not going to do anything!
Yes, that was a misunderstanding, because I thought you had said it out loud. Nonetheless, you were thinking it - and living it. Pretend you are in a fish bowl and H can drive by at any time of the day or night. Are you moping around that house? Thinking negative thoughts? Feeling misunderstood? Hopefully not, because that would be more of the same, wouldn't it? Or...are you busy? Starting new hobbies? Laughing? Getting ON with your new life? That, baby, is DBing.
Nitaf, I have a request. I want you to put those goals that revolve around H into a closet somewhere. They can come out later. Right now, come up with some goals that don't include 'him' or 'H' or any of that sort of thing. Just Nitaf, and maybe son. Okay?
Then, when those are done, I want you to come up with a boundary on the visitation time for your son. If there is really no such thing as a legal SA agreement, I'm sure you can find some lawyer or mediator out there who would sit down with you and draft an agreement. But if not, sit your H down and do one anyway - legal or not. Sign it. Enforce it. For your son, as well as yourself.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
PIB, I have so much to settle within in me, but I feel that half of the battle is over because atleast now I know that I do have things to setle with myself. I was totally unaware of it b4.
Well, then let's wade through this together! I have come a LONG way! My H and I are working on being the best of friends. Before, that wasn't enough for me. But, now I realize I need that foundation before I can get to the place that I want to be. I have had to learn patience. This was (is) very difficult for me. But, my H is seeing the difference in me, and he is finally trusting that it is for real!
When H noticed changes in me, he said, I see changes but, you are mostly the same. Anyway too little too late! HE doesn't realize the fact that he noticed let's me know that he is watching because he does care.
I'd have to speculate that the "mostly the same" has to do with you trying to please him all of the time. Your new goals (still working on them? ) and boundaries should change things even more.
All I can say is that in November my H told me he wanted a divorce. He moved out, and said that he would not ever be coming back. He's here now, isn't he? Last night we shared a wonderful evening, sitting out on the porch watching the storm. I would have NEVER thought that possible last fall. I credit all of it to the fact that I stopped worrying about him and I just concentrated on me and the kids. He said he never knew I had such strength. Strength is a turn on. Constantly trying to please is not!Funny how that works, isn't it?
Last night we shared a wonderful evening, sitting out on the porch watching the storm. I would have NEVER thought that possible last fall.