Just doing some journaling. It's going to be a long one.
I'll start by being honest - I've been avoiding things on here because frankly it makes me feel worse - lots of tales of heartache, irrational spouses, and tons of unsuccessful attempts at reconciliation. I'm an optimistic type and I almost never more optimistic coming here; the counterargument of course is that this forum represents reality and I'm not willing to look at my situation pragmatically. But I thank you all who have been hanging in with me.
I do have a big update: I was fired from my job. (For some background, I was a C-level exec at a large tech company.) And I have to be honest - I was bummed for about an hour, and that's it. They mercy killed me. I was unhappy there for a variety of reasons and was planning to resign on my own once more of shares vested. Long story short, I've known the CEO for five years, and he sat me down and said, "Look, I know you, you're not happy here, and you're not giving me your best - we need to move in a different direction". He was 100% right in his assessment, and 100% right to do what's best for the company.
So, instead of resigning in six months and receiving nothing, I've got a really nice severance package coming and tons of free time to get back to what I truly enjoy - early stage tech. When I met W, I was just starting my company, and she was by my side through the whole thing, all the way through the sale to my now ex-company and my shift into a corporate suit. When W quit her job after the sale to focus on her art, I was forced to really focus on things I didn't like: the corporate ladder, politics, that sort of thing. I was miserable, and when I look back on it, that's really when the troubles really accelerated between her and me - I'd come home with a cloud over my head, have a difficult time communicating it, and have an even harder time being vulnerable and sharing emotions.
Now she's gone, and my main reason for being in a work situation I didn't like isn't there anymore. So while it's never fun when someone says it's over (oh, the parallels..), this is a good thing for me and I walk away with lots of opportunities and a nice payout as well.
So, now back to my love life. Or lack thereof. WAW and I actually have been in communication more; she's sent me over a couple of links that she correctly knew I'd enjoy, and we've been back and forth on some logistical things and everything continues to be cordial and friendly. One of my 180s is being very proactive around the management of our lives; she always said she had to do so much to keep things on track, so I've taken the reins of organizing our finances, taking care of little things like getting new rental insurance, and generally pulling more weight. Relative to the job, I reached out to WAW to let her know, partly because of the finances and partly because she's on my healthcare and open enrollment is happening. We talked for 10-15 minutes by phone, and that's basically it.
The kicker: my birthday was two weeks ago, and nothing. No email, no text, nothing. And it was really, really hurtful. And of course, I know I shouldn't have had much by way of expectations, but it really took my legs out. She knows when my birthday is, and she knows that I know, so her not saying anything is a specific choice - she knew what she was doing.
And so while I'm not going to say anything to her about it, I'm finding it harder and harder to understand at all where this is going. I don't even know her perspective for why we separated, I certainly don't know what her plans are moving forward or where her head is at for starting to address the issues.
What I do know that I'm doing a terrible job of detachment; some days I feel like I'm making progress, other days I feel like it's a struggle to even get out of bed. But if there's one emotion I feel - and my therapist reminds me that it's very important to name your emotions - more than anything else, I'm embarrassed to say, is fear. I'm scared that I'll never even have the chance to show her the changes I've made. I'm scared that I'll never find someone I loved like her, and I'm scared that I'm too old to start over. I'm scared that I'll always have this heartache, stuck in a loop of beating myself up over all of the things I did wrong. And I feel like a fool for fighting, for wanting to work, for holding out hope when there's just nothing for that hope to be tied to.
But it's been four months. My friends think that's forever, but everyone on here thinks that not a lot of time at all. You're the experts so I tend to agree with you. But this is awful and so painful. On the flip side, I'm not at the end of my rope and it's unequivocally true that I love her and earnestly believe that this time (and the things I've learned in the interim) can be used for us to return to the R stronger than ever.
So, I'm going to focus on all of my new professional opportunities, continue to work on my emotional and physical health and try to just take it day by day. I don't know what else to do but GAL, and I guess hope that something magical happens where the ice thaws and we can just start at square one, going back to enjoying each other's company. I don't know what else to do. Maybe there isn't anything more.
