Confused and not sure how to proceed

[kbuenob]

Just a few posts ago, I was ready to call it quits and tell my W who is currently having an A with another W that I'm ready to move on and we should start looking for separate places to live. Until I saw this post:

I will stand for and fight for (DB-style) my marriage, behaving in a way that will allow me to look my kids in the eye, myself in the mirror, and at my God and honestly state that I did ALL that I humanly could to save my marriage and my family.

And this one

Man UP for me was doing things from the heart and out of love even if it causes you pain.
It is about being the best friend to your best friend even if they don't reciprocate.
It is about giving them what they need not what you think they need.
It is about doing these things because you choose to, not because you need to and making it clear that you have a life and a backbone.
It is about setting an example for your children, wife, friends and family.
It is being the "rock" that your best friend needs even though you feel like a pile of pebbles.
It is about taking the high road without being judgemental.

Ultimately it might be having the courage to make the final R choice (D) when you reach your endurance limit.

In my sitch, my W and I separated with the sale of our dream home. I had always been the "doer" inthe household....getting things done. Everyone knew it, everyone (mostly her family and friends) told me to let her choke on her own space that she was asking for, to let her fall flat on her face in the task of moving a household including our children. Effectively going dark.

Why would I do that to my best friend...the person I chose to marry and have children with. My W received virtually no help from any of her friends/family. If I did the same, I would just be one of them and would have justified her choice.

Instead I chose to respect her space and let her swim a little bit. If she started having trouble swimming then I would quietly throw a life line and help her tread water (fix something in the new house, help unburden some of the laundry, unpack some boxes). Something done so as to not take over but to gently help, to give her the strength to swim again and still have her space. All done without any expectation or need for praise....just helping a friend. I never let her drown.

At the end of the day I would then go and fix up my place and make it in to a family environment. One that would be comfortable for anyone to come and visit, one where my kids would want to go to. Basically moving on with my life

I would also be the ear to listen to her, never bringing up the R talk. I never required her to give an apology by saying she made a mistake (honestly she didn't). I just allowed her to show her love and renewed interest. Don't even want to talk about it....words always get us in trouble.

In the beginning I had quite a few people shake their heads at me, tell me I was a fool. This fool is back with is wife in a R that has seen more mutual respect and love in the last couple of months than it has seen in a long-long time.

Sorry for rambling on so much

PS: So many times I see people "go dark" and "set boundaries" with their WAS with such a tone of vindictiveness that it makes me sad. They really miss the point. Vindictiveness will never lead you back into your loved one's heart

These spoke volumes to me. I made a commitment to my W and I love her unconditionally. I'm not going to quit, and everything that I do moving forward will be from my heart- not for revenge. I owe this to my S10. I want to be the example for him. I want him to know that his Daddy gave it his all and that I hung in there even when Mama couldn't. So as much as it pains me to know that my W no longer loves me, it will be up to her to file for D if she chooses to because I won't. I also want her family to know that I fought for our marriage, and there will never be anybody that loved their daughter more than I do.