Boundaries

[Meredith]

Last week we had a meeting about being true managers…and a topic was brought up about management and leadership. The difference, they said, was that leadership was living everything that we said with what we did, from putting our own postage onto things we sent to how we spoke to a disgruntled employee. If you don’t make the values that you teach your employees a priority in every single thing that you do, they’re going to watch you and see two different people. And when they do, the respect that they had for you goes straight down the toilet.

What does that have to do with you, the boundaries, the darkness and ultimately your marriage? You have to make these changes and then stick to them in every element of your life because you do not know when your husband (or your son) is watching you. And when they see you acting as-if-in front of them, but resorting to more of the same when they are not around…respect goes out the window and takes the work you’ve done with it.

So if you are doing this DB thing, and you want to be someone who is strong, self sufficient, and certainly not a doormat…that is how you have to start living. Right now, today, with your marriage on the back burner.

If you are doing this boundary thing as a check box on the list of things you think will save your marriage, forget it. If you are going dark to check off another box, you may as well not waste your time. If you are constantly worried about what your H will think of you for these things then you are doing it all for the wrong reasons and you are going to ride this cycle again and again and again. And like the management training says, you can say it and say it, but they can see if you mean it and if you live it. Your H can hear your words, but do your actions match them? Not if you are walking around on your tippy toes trying to crack the eggshells under your feet! He sees that too.

Nitaf, what do you want FOR YOURSELF? Not for your marriage, not for your husband, for yourself. When you can answer that question, you can start going to get it. When you start really going to get it, you will know what boundaries to set and you will not feel one moment’s hesitation in enforcing them.

When going dark, it should also be for you. This is not for him; you are not doing this as a performance. You are not auditioning for anything. You are taking a stand in your own life and how you are going to be treated. Your H will get on board in one way or another, but the important thing is you and your son. H made his own choices, Nitaf…now you make yours.

I hesitate to do this, because I don't want to focus any more on your H than I already have...but here is what I perceive to be mocking. You tell him that you don't want him around the house when you aren't here, and he opens the door to hand something to your son and leaves - taunting you. And you jumped right at that bait and chased him down saying, "that wasn't what I meant". You tell him to take his son, and he gives you a lame excuse. If his parents are that controlling, he should have thought about it before moving in with them. Not your problem, HIS problem. But he knows that he doesn't have to do anything that he doesn't want to do. You've set that up for him very nicely. Unfortunately, it isn't working.

Nitaf, I don't say these things to be mean or condesending. I see you struggle with this and I want so badly to see you stand up and take a strong role in your own life. You CAN, and I want you to see that also.