Confused and Lost II

[KristinG]

Time for another weekend update... (I say this every time like the cast of SNL. Thanks Seth Myers and Tina Fey!)

Why does it feel like 2 steps forward and then 3 steps back? A week ago, my ww was treating me like a queen. She was being so sweet and telling me that she has so much planned for us, she is going to treat me like I deserve to be treated, she's going to make up for all the pain and heartache.

Fast forward 5 days (Saturday night) and she initiates an R talk. She tells me that she doesn't want to be with me and that she does still want to be with OW. They have not spent time together, but that her heart is still with her. A few sentences later, she doesn't want to be with anyone and she just wants to be on her own, find herself again, blah blah blah, etc... Yet another few sentences later she tells me "I know you don't believe me, but I am not going to be with anyone" and "we're going to be ok, I promise".

I cried, but stayed calm and listened throughout her utter confusion. I sincerely believe her when she says that she loves me. But I don't think she truly knows what commitment means in the face of adversity. I told her that I can't be her best friend through this process. I let her know that the marriage we had is dead and that if we ever want to try again it has to be from scratch. I told her not to be offended if I don't reply to communications from her, and that I am going to do my best to remove her from my heart. We had a really heartfelt and honest discussion.

Yesterday, I went out and visited family and then went to dinner with some friends. I am determined to continue and focus on myself alone. GAL, time for myself, etc. It is surprisingly easier to be alone lately. Her actions are showing that she isn't prepared to let me go. She is calling and texting often throughout the day. My car broke down and she took it upon herself to make sure I took her truck to drive and got my car fixed for me. She is more helpful and thoughtful than she has been in while. I am pulling back and trying my best not to let her smooth talk get into my heart.

Considering going far more into NC. One downside is that I want to be a lighthouse for her to find her way back - and if I go NC I feel as though she will perceive it as if I'm giving up on us. I don't want to be a piece of cake either. Sometimes I feel like I'm her emotional rock and that is the perk of having me around. (I definitely have some co-dependence issues where I am too much of a fixer and a care-taker). One plus is that she has learned to stand on her own two feet financially, so she is not relying on me for anything monetary. This has allowed me to begin saving quite a bit.

Suggestions are always welcome and sorry for the stream of consciousness! I hope everyone is DBing and living their best life.