Can you describe the dynamics of your MR, before you knew something wasn't right? Who set the tone in the R? Who called the shots? Why did the sex fade away? Why did you wait so long to approach her? Just give us something to help us see what it was like being M to each other. When you read that first page of my WW threads, did it sound as if I was writing about your W?
Our marriage was similar to many, I would guess. We were busy raising the kids and working. That's where our priorities were. I'd say we both started dropping hints to each other about 4-5 years ago. She wanted to do more things like travel, spend more time together, and I wanted a closer commute. I have traveled 75 minutes or more each way to work since we bought this house 10 years ago. The other person would respond with small positive changes for a week or two, but then we would both fall back into old habits. No one ever pressed their desire for real, substantive changes.
I would say I more set the tone in the marriage. I am 4 years older and kept track of finances, etc.
The sex faded because I became depressed (overweight and tired from commute) and she (understandably) didn't want to spend any time at the house when she wasn't operating her daycare. It would be sporadic. A great month or two, then a slow month or two. It's probably too late, but I have lost 45 lbs and look and feel better today than since before I met W.
I waited (too long obviously) to verbalize what was going on in my head. To me, when oldest went off to school (he left in August), things would change for the better. More time for ourselves, both together and as individuals. Common mistake for a male, I know.
As far as your WW thread, I would say there are similarities for sure. But she often says things like "your a good man" and she "isn't a bad person" who feels "selfish" for her actions. I think the adoption/mental illness piece is every bit as relevant as the WW. It's a mixed bag for sure.
