Hi Nitaf - Sounds like there are lots of things happening in your sitch, I would step back a bit and take time to reflect. In my case, the most significant thing I did that gave ME back a sense of control was to take my foot off the pedal, and say to myself that nothing was going to happen to ME until I was good and ready. This was critical for my sanity
These golas look great, Nitaf. Perhaps more room for things YOU can do and less reliance on H's moods? Achieving small goals give the ole PMA such a boost
Quote: 1.when H is feeling closer to me as a friend, he will call me to have small talk convo. (I have not always been easy to talk to because of some lies that he told in the past. I would always accuse him of lying)
What can you do to signal to him that you would enjoy this expereince? How can you let him know that the old Nitaf who used to accuse him of lying will not re-surface?
Quote: As H continues to notice change, he will stop saying too little too late and just compliment me on the changes.
What specific things can YOU do to move things along in this direction?
Goals with emotions at the centre are the most difficult to figure out, and then achieve. Give yourself realistic timeframes, and remember to be kind to yourself
Slowly, do you think that the boundaries that I have set will push H further away from me? I only set the boundaries because I felt like I was being taken advantage of.
I have been dark for 2 wks. Should i be dark(no contact) or semi-dark(contact every so often)? I am a little confused about going dark. I don't want it to hurt more than it helps.
Quote: do you think that the boundaries that I have set will push H further away from me? I only set the boundaries because I felt like I was being taken advantage of.
Not sure if I'm really qualified to answer this, but I'll give you the way I handle these things. The first part, is about will what I do bring him closer to me, or push him away. I think about this a lot. The second part, to me, is about issues that are 'deal-breakers' for me as a person. I would draw boundary lines ONLY when I felt that the transgression would be something I could not accept. Anything else, I consider to be negotiable. It does require that you set goals, in order to change your behaviour, or to influence him to change his behaviour. I hope this helps, Nitaf. Please always remember that these things are very personal to each of us, and what may be acceptable to me may be deal breakers to you, and vice versa.
1.when H is feeling closer to me as a friend, he will call me to have small talk convo. (I have not always been easy to talk to because of some lies that he told in the past. I would always accuse him of lying)
I can trust him with some personal things about me and talk to him about everyday things to hopefully make him want to share with me. It really kills me that the everyday things that are going on his life, I am no longer a part of.
As H continues to notice change, he will stop saying too little too late and just compliment me on the changes.
I will continue to makes changes in myself for myself as H sees that the changes are for me and not for him, he will stop saying too little too late. When he fist left he accused me of being consumed with the M and him.
Last week we had a meeting about being true managers…and a topic was brought up about management and leadership. The difference, they said, was that leadership was living everything that we said with what we did, from putting our own postage onto things we sent to how we spoke to a disgruntled employee. If you don’t make the values that you teach your employees a priority in every single thing that you do, they’re going to watch you and see two different people. And when they do, the respect that they had for you goes straight down the toilet.
What does that have to do with you, the boundaries, the darkness and ultimately your marriage? You have to make these changes and then stick to them in every element of your life because you do not know when your husband (or your son) is watching you. And when they see you acting as-if-in front of them, but resorting to more of the same when they are not around…respect goes out the window and takes the work you’ve done with it.
So if you are doing this DB thing, and you want to be someone who is strong, self sufficient, and certainly not a doormat…that is how you have to start living. Right now, today, with your marriage on the back burner.
If you are doing this boundary thing as a check box on the list of things you think will save your marriage, forget it. If you are going dark to check off another box, you may as well not waste your time. If you are constantly worried about what your H will think of you for these things then you are doing it all for the wrong reasons and you are going to ride this cycle again and again and again. And like the management training says, you can say it and say it, but they can see if you mean it and if you live it. Your H can hear your words, but do your actions match them? Not if you are walking around on your tippy toes trying to crack the eggshells under your feet! He sees that too.
Nitaf, what do you want FOR YOURSELF? Not for your marriage, not for your husband, for yourself. When you can answer that question, you can start going to get it. When you start really going to get it, you will know what boundaries to set and you will not feel one moment’s hesitation in enforcing them.
When going dark, it should also be for you. This is not for him; you are not doing this as a performance. You are not auditioning for anything. You are taking a stand in your own life and how you are going to be treated. Your H will get on board in one way or another, but the important thing is you and your son. H made his own choices, Nitaf…now you make yours.
I hesitate to do this, because I don't want to focus any more on your H than I already have...but here is what I perceive to be mocking. You tell him that you don't want him around the house when you aren't here, and he opens the door to hand something to your son and leaves - taunting you. And you jumped right at that bait and chased him down saying, "that wasn't what I meant". You tell him to take his son, and he gives you a lame excuse. If his parents are that controlling, he should have thought about it before moving in with them. Not your problem, HIS problem. But he knows that he doesn't have to do anything that he doesn't want to do. You've set that up for him very nicely. Unfortunately, it isn't working.
Nitaf, I don't say these things to be mean or condesending. I see you struggle with this and I want so badly to see you stand up and take a strong role in your own life. You CAN, and I want you to see that also.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Meredith, wow. That was brilliant. No more to say than that.
Nitaf, I don't want to seem as if I am being difficult here, but I just don't have it in me to keep rehashing my story. Just click on my name, and you will have the option to see all of my posts. Go back to where you see "My own thread, my own sordid story." That's where everything is. For the record, yes, my H had an A. And, was well on his way to another when he left. I don't like that it happened, but I understand it. And, things got much better when I stopped being hateful about it. No, I won't EVER accept something like that again, but I don't think I will ever be in the position to have to. This DBing really works when you are consistant with it and, as Mer said, do it for the right reasons.
Quote: No, I won't EVER accept something like that again, but I don't think I will ever be in the position to have to. This DBing really works when you are consistant with it and, as Mer said, do it for the right reasons.
Amen sista! And something that definitely needed to be said. I was just sitting here thinking that on our Friends thread I was beginning to sound like an advocate for infidelity! What you wrote, that fits my feelings EXACTLY!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
