From what the vets here are saying, it's best to stay in the marital home- especially with kids.
That is usually what we recommend when you own your home, but in your case you're renting month-to-month so that's a different situation.
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Im going to try my best to DB while we are living together. I've been thinking of some boundaries to put in place.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS BOUNDARY?
Out of of the goodness of my heart, I felt it was appropriate that I take on more of the financial responsibilities since I make slightly more money than my wife (take home). Kind of like a 60/40 split. I already pay for our health insurance etc.
I'm uncomfortable doing that now, because I feel like i'm being taken advantage of while she's having her A. I want to tell her that I'm no longer paying any of her personal bills (she has a medical bill under her name that I'm paying for), and we're splitting all of our expenses (rent, utility) 50/50 until I know she's no longer having an affair- or until she moves out. I'm also taking away all the little subscriptions- netflix, spotify etc. If she needs those, she can get her own accounts. Why should I help her out while she stepping all over me?
Does this boundary seem vindictive, or fair? I'd rather save or use the money on my S then pay for her A.
What do you think? Can you guys help me out with how I should tell her?
I don't think you understand what a boundary is. A boundary is to protect yourself, and it must have ramifications if it isn't honored.
Let's say your W starts screaming at you, here is an ineffective boundary:
"Stop yelling at me!"
Or what? There's no stated ramification. So she keeps yelling at you and you yell back, or you sit there and cower.
Another ineffective boundary:
"Stop yelling at me or I will ask you to leave."
You can't make her leave, so your ramification is completely dependent upon her choosing whether or not to honor it, and that makes it worthless.
Effective boundary:
"I will not tolerate you raising your voice to me, if you continue to do so I will hang up/ leave."
THIS is a good boundary, because if she continues yelling then YOU take immediate action on your own. If on the phone you simply hang up. If she calls back immediately you don't answer. If it's in person you leave the room or even the house.
So now that you know the difference, you need to understand that if your boundary is going to be something like "I will not remain under the same roof with you if you continue to engage in an affair" then you've got to A) determine a consequence for that and B) be 100% ready to follow through. When you're talking about an A, there is little you can do as far as a consequence other than separate or divorce. And you've got to be very sure you are OK with that, because that is probably what she wants anyway and basically you'll be doing all the hard work she doesn't want to do!
Please note that this isn't "effective" in the sense that it changes anything on her part, because it probably won't. It is effective because it protects YOU from further harm, damage and heartache resulting from her A.
So that's a boundary. As far as canceling Netflix and such, that's up to you but just understand it won't change anything and she will probably think you're being petty and vindictive. Frankly that's kind of a passive/aggressive NGS move. This is just my own opinion but personally I am an "all-in" type of guy, I would be telling her to find a place to live and I am doing the same because I'm not renewing the lease given the present circumstances. No boundary, I would just say that's it, we're splitting. THEN I would terminate Netflix and such, and quit paying her medical bills.
