Sandi, what did your H do (if anything) during your sitch that helped/hurt your decision to R?
My H was not the one who was coming to the DB board, so he wasn't getting the tools. My H had always had NGS, with the passivity, indecisiveness, etc. He was shy and not very talkative. In a group setting, he'd sit back and watch others participating. Me........I wasn't shy, had a very friendly personality, loved being in a fun group of people. I enjoyed participating in conversation, board games, singing/playing instruments, practically anything that would be considered good clean fun. After marriage, those opposite personalities will learn to compliment each other.......or drive you out of your mind!
Anyway, we never separated during my WW days. He knew something was up, so he investigated our computer's history...........and I was caught. He read every word that had been spoken between OM and me. I was so caught up in the thrill and fantasy until I didn't have enough sense to delete the history. Well, actually.......I didn't give my H enough credit in knowing how to pull up the history, b/c I didn't think he knew his way around a computer. But, he figured it out. The first time he confronted me, he was sweet but firm about me ending all activity immediately. When I went deeper underground to continue my EA, he confronted me the second time, and he wasn't sweet about it. The sh't hit the fan. The next day, we talked and I said so many things that other WW's tell their LBH! He didn't say much, but what he said carried a ton of weight. I was talking about maybe leaving (separating), and I used the famous, "Whatever happens, I want us to always be friends". His facial expression never changed throughout my dramatic display of emotions. He was calm, spoke softly. He shook his head and said, "If you leave, we will not be friends. There will be no buddy-buddy thing". Wow! That took my breath away, b/c I thought he would pine away for me, and be so grateful for my few crumbs. Nope, I underestimated him. Then,
I made the comment about me leaving and maybe later on.......if my new life didn't work out, I would come back home. (Something to that effect). His response? He looked straight in the eyes, slowly shook his head and said, "If you leave, there will be no coming back home". Wow! He did not say it with anger. He did not raise his voice. I knew he was dead serious, and it really shocked me. Like all WW's, I was a arrogant. In my mind, I could see him being so happy I would use him for Plan B! Nope, he shot that down in that one sentence. (My H never over-talks anything). .
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
