SOS Sandi2

[sandi2]

Thanks for your quick response to my questions. The more you can tell us about the marital history, the better observation we'll have about the overall situation. So far, I'm not hear a lot of fear in your posts, which it good b/c there are LBH's who are paralyzed with fear of losing his family.

I suggest that you put together a plan of action. Take a few days, keep a private journal to write out your goals, the initiative steps to take and how you will keep the momentum going. Some board members use their thread as a journal. Another word of caution is accepting the fact the ground has shifted b/c of whatever crises your W is experiencing. I listed several things in my first thread about the mindset of WW, and one of the points was she is not the same girl the H remembers marrying. There'll be times he will swear something evil has invaded her body. We have a saying around here.........hold your cards close to your chance. Don't forfeit the game by sharing everything you know, or have done, or tell her the advice you be given. Some H feel so desperate and panicky, they are scared to pull up their own boot straps without telling his W first. So, hold your deck of cards very close.

You feel awake and probably energized and would love for you and W to make a clean slate, reconnect or recommit, etc. But as things stand momentarily, I think she would get you to spill your guts and tell her everything. I mean, you've been with her for nearly 20 years and you've never kept secrets away from her.......................have you? Before you can safely interact with her in the hope of drawing her back, I strongly encourage you to get very serious about getting free legal advice, and learn some domestic laws and what you can and can't do. She has opened this up........so, don't just sit around with your fingers crossed she'll do the right thing. If she does you'll be setting great, and if doesn't your plan is has already been set into action. That's why the H & W need different lawyers. You always try to show dignity, honor, self-respect, and self confidence. If you feel you are being equal/fair and can maintain a civilized interact without somebody's feathers getting ruffled, then that will be great, and if peace lingers in your co-parenting or other things, who knows if it will help her to see you more objectively.......and likes what she sees.

So, see if you can schedule a couple of free meetings with lawyers this next week. They may give you no more than 30 minutes, so have a hand written list of what to ask the lawyer. BTW, doesn't use a lawyer that represents her too.

You've already started with the kids scheduling, so that's good. I think you and W will need to decide where the kids go during Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, etc. Be cooperate and fair (and don't forget grandpa & grandma wants to see them too.) Gut have that discussion when you feel the time feels right. That way, it won't be hanging over your head throughout the holiday season. But...........don't tell her what all your inquired about from your lawyer. It is legal, and the only reason I suggest not saying anything to her first, is knowing you beat her to it. And it won't change. This is what she thinks she wants, and the first holidays coming up are tough, and you do not have to discuss your business with friends or in-laws, but having been there myself.......it can be quite a shock. And the sadness, we felt as if our family was being ripped apart. It gets better after those first few times going without her.

From this point forward, you will need to retrain your brain a little. You don't have the same behavior pattern when you first get home from work, where you might engage in a few minutes of discussing the day........which, of course, includes you seeing a lawyer. I just don't think you should tell her everything about the money, property, savings, etc. BTW, are you one of these type guys who does all the house chores so the little princess can lie down and recover from her day? Does she ask you to bring her things when the two of you down, maybe you are involved in something else, but you lay everything down and get what she wants and delivers........b/c one of you see that as love language.

Never forget who is the head of this family. It is a tremendous responsibility, buy you can do it. If she faces you in pure defiance/ rebellion/and outrage........,..try to remain calm and don't get into a scuffle over stuff. You can also keep records in your journal about this OM, I'm more in favor of being a man who can turn her head...........and don't allow thoughts of him occupy much head room. Don't brings it up to her, Don't talk about him to her and how you ruin his career, etc. I understand you have these feelings. If you really want to know more details, then hire a detective.. You may want to know the man's name. Don't obsessed about the affair partner.

Okay, another thing you need to do is set personal boundaries. That's like drawing an invisible line around yourself, and if someone dishonors that boundary and stomps over that line in the sand............you will be the one to take action that protects your well being, respect, or whatever is at stake here. But, I'll warn you that the consequences for the person who stepped over the line should receive a some form of consequence, or else what does it accomplish? Since she is running the daycare in your home, I do see how that would be difficult because of the laws and the rooms to be a certain size. etc.

Well i Have to call it a night. Not that it matters, but I think your W can work through this. It's just a matter of her not wanting to that's the pits.