Hello, wise MLC posters. I've been posting in Newcomers but I think my story fits in here as well, and I could benefit from some advice.
My H is 29, I am 31. Together 9 years, married 3. We had our first child 20 months ago and he ran away 5 months ago. At BD I copped a load of abuse. He said he settled for me, I wasn’t good enough for him, I wasn’t the wife he deserved, he wanted to sleep with other people, he wasn’t going to do what society expects of him, he deserved a better life, the only thing he cared about was his own happiness. And that he was leaving for three months to get some space. That turned into a permanent separation after six weeks. When asked during our final relationship conversation what he wanted, and what would make him happy, he just said "I don't know."
We got together when we were 20/22. We went through the motions of becoming adults together - dating, moving in, engagement, buying a home, marriage, baby, management positions in our careers - and it's as though H is rejecting it all now at age 29. In the days following BD he said that his happiness peaked at age 20, when life was all about casual work, video games, motor vehicles, and hanging out with the boys. It's obvious that he is not grateful for the life we built, nor does he value it. That's fine. He is free to go and create a life he will appreciate. My approach now is to let him try that on for size and see if he cares about what he has lost.
The last time I talked to him, he said he does have thoughts about coming home, but wants to be free to make his own decisions. Looking back at the last five months, his behaviour has been consistent with a mid-life (quarter-life?) crisis - attempting to relive his youth, reverting to childish sulking and outbursts, suddenly focused on health and fitness, acting impulsively, talking in absolutes, avoiding responsibilities, seeking validation from new younger friends, sleeping with someone and flaunting hickies all over his neck, buying a brand new car and motorbike, tanking his career by telling people he is too good for the company he’s been with for 9 years.
My feeling now is that this is a deeper problem than an unhappy marriage - it is an unhappy life. He distanced himself from family and friends when the crisis started, has made a laughing stock of himself at work, and most sadly, has become an uninterested and unengaged parent. When I asked him why he left our son as well when he walked out, he said he just needed to escape from the world. This journey has been marked by confusion and inconsistency and I've struggled to keep up and keep my distance. At this stage he seem deep into the tunnel. He can't file for divorce until 12 months have passed, so this gives me time to improve myself and address his legitimate concerns.
Our marriage was in a lengthy rough patch for the first 15 months of our son's life, but finally on an upswing (or so I thought). I had a slow decline into severe PND/A during that time where I struggled with anger, intrusive thoughts, and an inability to function beyond the bare minimum of keeping my child alive as a SAHM. I went to individual counselling, I asked for couples counselling to help us deal with my anxiety, I went on medication, I went back to work, I scheduled sex to address the dead bedroom, I poured my heart out to get him to understand how desperate I felt. He buried himself in work and prioritised his work friends, vocally resented his loss of freedom, and eventually told me he lost all respect and attraction to me.
Basically, I tried to overcome our problems but it was the beginning of the end for him. Now I do believe that he was a large contributor to my PND/A because subconsciously I never felt secure in his love or his commitment to parenthood.
Despite that, as of now, I'm standing for my marriage. I believe in my vows and in my H's potential. I can see now that the red flags for this crisis were there all along, and it was probably destined to happen regardless of the circumstances. He has to complete his own personal growth before I'd consider reconciling. To me it seems like he's still running away and filling the emotional void with whatever he can. New vehicles, new sex, new young friends, new hobbies. It doesn't sound healthy to me and I have my S1's emotional safety to consider.
I have 100% physical custody and H has biweekly visitation. I have thought that this might be the best opportunity for H to come into his own as a parent, but he is barely handling the current bare minimum responsibility. It's just unfortunate that he doesn't have much opportunity because S1 is so young and won't be away from me much. I feel like these long term consequences of his choice might be hitting him now and making him have thoughts about coming home. Initially he was in a panic and just wanted to blow it all up and escape, now he might have time to think a bit more clearly. Maybe waking up on Christmas morning away from S1 might have an impact. Who knows though.
Sorry for the novel. It helps to let it all out and look back at the journey so far. Time will tell if this is a relationship worth saving. Most people say I deserve better, and maybe I do. I'm meeting new people and even dating casually. Last time we talked, H said that it would be good for us to see other people to get clarity on what we'd be leaving behind. I don't think he's felt the sting of losing me yet. Anyway, I thank everyone who reads my thread and takes the time to comment - it is appreciated more than you know.
