I understand now R2C. I want to keep my family intact. Yes I read it and Wolf was disappointed in himself for not following the advice here. Im not making that mistake. I understand the concept of boundaries better from reading Sandi's reflections about the LBS and WW. I need gain her respect back. She cheated, and since I can't kick her out of the house, I can claim my bedroom as mine and kick her out of the MBR. She doesn't deserve to sleep with me in MY bed.
Are there any scripts that I can say to reinforce this action?
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2045336#Post2045336 Our marriage has problems outside of your infidelity. Your choice of response to those problems is to make them WORSE by introducing an interloper to cause a great deal of stress and damage to your reputation, my commitment, and your daughter's well being. Marital problems need to be met with solutions - not lies and cheating.
"Here is what I need in my marriage___________, ___________, _____________, and________________. If you can't respect that then I have decided that I can't be married to you."
The blanks are the non-negotiable issues. "I won't share you with another man."Joint decisions on how we spend our money."
You then need ways to verify these issues. Transparency: access to each others e-mail, FB, cell phone etc. Weekly discussions about your finances. Find solutions that work for you two.
You steer clear of the emotions by thinking thru the issues. Calm, cool and collected. Lead on brother.
"I'm really sorry you feel that way. I certainly hear you, and that this is what you want. It's not what I want, however, and I think we owe it to our kids to not just cut and run here because one of us suddenly wants out of the marriage."
My family is urging me to not lock her out. they make good points:
- She can just call a locksmith - She can just breakdown the door - Once she opens the door, she'll move her stuff right back in (I can see this happening) - She'll start moving my stuff out - Then we''ll start the same cycle again, and again. - Is this legal? - We planned a trip to the Philippines (without W). She can be vindictive and write a letter not allowing my son out of country
Im really confused now and getting frustrated. I don't know what to do. Please help.
Moving her stuff out into the guest room seemed like a waste of time. she just turned around and moved everything right back into the MBR. What did that action tell her? I don't know. What did it do? I have no idea. What was the point? I really don't know. I just followed the advice here and it didn't seem very beneficial guys...
I went and bought a door knob with a lock this morning with the intention of putting her stuff back out into the guest room again and locking her out of the MBR. I still don't know if that's the best course of action. Please help
I JUST FOUND OUT THAT MY WIFE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.
I am disgusted, hurt, angry, depressed. She has crossed a major boundary but I'm doing nothing about it. Moving her stuff out to the other room? that didn't do anything. She's knee deep in her A and I'm over here just keeping quiet. She just moved her stuff back in, took her 30 mins.
WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I DOING?
I feel like im just sitting here saying,"Yeah, no problem, W. Go ahead and sleep with your lover. I won't do anything about it so go ahead..." I feel like a CHUMP right now.
I was thinking about moving out, but everyone here is telling me to stay in the house. WHY?
As you can tell i'm growing impatient.
What do i do? Just keep my mouth shut and GAL? Then eventually, after a couple years i'm going to feel so good about myself that the W see that and break it off with the OW and come back to me? Or not? Is that the whole idea of DB? We talk a lot about actions. What actions besides moving stuff from room to room? Guys im pissed right now. I hope i'm not offending anyone as I appreciate all of your guidance. It's just that I am really frustrated and don't know what to do. Every time I see her it hurts. I have text messages of her and her lover saying that they love each other so much and that they cant wait to hold each other. THAT HURTS ME. Though even through all of this, the evidence I have, the hurt that I constantly feel, I STILL LOVE HER. AND WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO FEEL HER LOVE AGAIN
WHY??
I WISH I DIDNT CARE SO MUCH FOR HER. SHE IS THE MOTHER OF MY SON AND WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER ALMOST 20 YEARS.
We shared so many happy times together and she dismisses them all like none of that happened.
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY WIFE?? WHERE DID SHE GO?
Her body is here but her heart and mind have been have been replaced with someone elses.
I'm tired of feeling strong one day and then crying my eyes out the next (like right now).
SOMETHING NEEDS TO CHANGE. I AM EXTREMELY HEARTBROKEN
What would the alternative be to keeping quiet? To keep confronting her? Demand to know why she is doing what she is doing? You can not control another person, only you. There is no guarantee you can save you relationship by DB:ing but if you don´t follow the advice here and instead act on emotions, you will without doubt push her further away.
You will get through this! Listen to the vets, I promise you you´ll regret it if you don´t. I felt just as stressed and devastated as you in the beginning but I was forced to understand I just have to work on me and accept this new reality for now. Doesn´t mean it will always be like this but this is a slow process and needs to run its course. And as terrible as it is, there are never any guarantees. But you have no other choice.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
As far as I know, my wife doesn't have an A ... I've thought about it, but have no reason to believe so, she just seems to be a WAW. However, I feel just like you do. I wonder if I would feel even worse if I knew there was an A, but no I feel the same way, I wonder what happened to that woman I met as a teenager. We practically grew up together, the mother of my 4 children. We used to be friends. Now she tells me she doesn't love me, and that she doesn't want to love me.
Hang in there, listen to the people here. I've never seen a group of people so capable of advising others in such terrible situation. It's easy for another person to say stay calm, but what other choice is there? Better to get help and try to follow advise of people that have been there, than for us to go at it alone.
I'd love for my wife to turn around and say "Let's give it a try", but that's not happening, I can't change her. I have to accept that, I can only change myself and I wish we could go back if that happens even after a D. If not, and I'm a better person, I win too.
Take it easy, keep posting here, but listen to the advise you're being given and try to follow it as much as you can. I'm trying too, even if it's counter intuitive to what *I* want to do. What I want to do, hasn't worked ... AT ALL.
I've calmed down a bit. My W will be taking my son out and spending time with him (for a change). I'm going to leave the house and go hang out with some friends. GAL.
I've decided against locking her out of the MBR. I think that will cause too much negative emotions, especially for my son. He might end up resenting me for locking his mama out of the room.
I'm just going to remain calm and speak less, and do that for the next week. I guess try to mellow out the negative energy that has been brewing since I've confronted her about the A. If I maintain a positive mental attitude, maybe we'll be able to speak on better terms.
