Yes. He will be with the OW whether you want him to be or not. It isn’t right, it isn’t fair and it isn’t marriage. But, it is reality.
Judging from the urgency of your posts, methinks he’s winning. You’ve set the boundaries by words, and he is technically doing what you asked…but he’s still driving this boat. He’s got you worried and bothered over his actions. Now, was that the point? No! The point was to make you feel better and more in control over YOUR OWN LIFE.
He’s getting your attention pretty good. How are you getting his?
Maybe instead of threatening him with “well you wanted this divorce…and you can live like it…” try explaining that you too need your space and ask him to respect that. I’ve found that threats are a waste of my time, and often have the opposite of my desired effect.
Give him so long to live up to his agreement. If he misses [insert number] of weekends with your son, or goes back on financial promises, maybe start the process of a legal separation agreement. It isn’t a divorce, but it is a legal document stating what happens for child support, parenting time, etc. It also hashes out an interim plan for finances. Personally, the SA that we have was the hardest thing to do, and also the most beneficial. It gave us a clear picture of divorce (one that neither of us liked at all) and it made things black and white for the meantime. But, don’t threaten with it. Just do it when you feel it is time.
This process is not about manipulation and control of the other person. It is about regaining control over yourself and your individual world. Once you do that, you will have the strength to detach from the situation. Again, much to my amazement, it works.
Pam mentioned that I was hesitant to really put those boundaries into play. I felt that if I did, he’d not bring the children back to me or we’d stop seeing him completely. Neither has happened, I promise you. Quite the opposite in fact, as I just got off the phone with him – a conversation that I ended first – with him asking to come to a family party tomorrow afternoon. It works when you work it. And you have to work it from the inside out, starting with yourself.
I’m not familiar with your sitch, do you have any short term goals in place?
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
