SOS Sandi2

[sandi2]

Okay, so to just jump in here, I want you to know that symptoms we see in a WAW/WW/MLCW can appear very similar. With that said, I'm going back to your first post to address some things as we go.

About 3 months ago, I noticed my wife stomping around, seemingly angry at everyone and everything. (About 3 months prior to this, she joined the gym, made new friends etc.)

Does she talk about her new friends? Like, are they younger, single, etc. Are there any guy friends in this group? Women influence women. If your W has felt less than satisfied about her MR, then another woman who has a very happy MR could be a source of inspiration for your W. On the other hand, if your W is associating herself with young, vibrate, carefree, singles who talk about their exciting lives (and it's b/c they are free & single)........she may find herself wishing she was free and see what's out there, yada, yada, yada. Here's the thing. In the past, she may have conducted herself like a mature minded woman, but currently, she is emotionally vulnerable. She's unhappy and she feels trapped in a sexually starved MR. I think the reason she feels "confused" is b/c she's experiencing thoughts or emotions that contradicts her sense of moral integrity. She may even make the statement that she doesn't know who she is anymore.

If you have read my thread here https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=57285&Number=2545554#Post2545554 you know how it all started with unresolved issues that turns to resentment about her H. Eventually, that resentment turns to disrespect. Disrespect leads to lack of attraction. A wife has to respect her H in order to feel desire for him. That is the way she is wired! Waywardness is all about a lack of respect. She has other negative characteristics but I won't get off into all of that right now.

She started individual counseling a week later and has continued since. Her counselor recommended a trial separation, which I agreed to. It is tough because she runs a business out of the house, but she shows up in the morning before kids get up and stays throughout the day while I'm at work.

Is her work mostly on the computer, or does she have some type or shop at the home? If it is mostly computer related, could she work somewhere else, instead of the marital home? I'll get back on this, once I see your answer.

BTW, I want you to understand that whatever you decide to do, it is not about punishing her.

Since our initial R talk, I have made several changes. Working out regularly, lost 22 lbs., more present with family interactions, etc. I actually feel awakened, for lack of a better term. She says the changes are only temporary and won't last etc. I know that's not true, but I don't get defensive or argue. I would very much like to save this marriage, and we have started marriage counseling. The counselor suggested we keep this semi separation and that she come to the house for family dinners on Sundays, which she agreed to do.

Making changes in yourself is great, but let me explain how she looks at it. Everything is about her, and nothing is about you.....in her opinion. You probably contributed to the breakdown of the M, but you could become an amazing person and it may not change her current feelings. If she isn't wayward, I might agree with the advice from the counselor, but if your W is wayward.......she is going to use you to play happy family, or attend social events as a couple, or sit with her at ballgames b/c she doesn't want to sit alone, etc. Nobody is more selfish, nor has a sense of entitlement like the WW. Sadly, there are IC/MC who are not pro-marriage, and apparently, some have no clue about the mindset of a WW.

WW's seem to be quite talented in making the LBH feel that he has to prove his changes or show his love.........just like your W said your changes are temporary. Look, a WW doesn't care how much her H works to improve himself. It doesn't affect her feelings for him. She may get angry that he waited till now to make changes, but it's not going to change her heart problems. The two of you are currently on separate paths and it will probably get worse before it gets better, but that doesn't mean it's your fault. Make sense?

While I haven't pleaded or begged, I have acknowledged my shortcomings in the marriage and apologized to her for how she feels.

Is she giving you specific shortcomings.......or, are you just apologizing without knowing the crime? I just want to caution you about taking ownership of her feelings. I think a lot of men give an overall apology, hoping it will make the WW feel better and they can get that (whatever "that" is) behind them. Okay, so you apologized. No need to apologize again for the same offense.

I've got to bring this post to an end. My suggestions at this point is the following:

Drop the MC. If she decides to continue IC, that's up to her. After reconciliation, you can attend MC.
See a lawyer to know where you stand legally, how to protect yourself financially, get equal time with your kids, etc. I want to make this clear. I can't stress enough how important it is to protect yourself. Make it your priority.

I would drop the Sunday dinners, and playing happy family. WW's want their freedom, but they also want to hold on to family traditions, especially during the holidays.

Don't initiate contacts with her.

I also think it's likely there is an OM the picture, which, given her feelings when she finally let them out, would not be a surprise. I know the odds are strongly against me, but I can actually see a vibrant marriage rebirth if we can get through this.My wife checks almost every box on every MLC symptoms list you can find.

If you knew for certain there was OM in the picture, would you do something different?

She may be in MLC. I hope you will continue posting, and maybe we can tell more about it.