Tonight started terribly but ultimately went better than I could have expected. W was on the phone until about 7:30 so I went upstairs and got dressed to go out. I felt bad because my brother was sitting on standby on a Friday night waiting to see if I needed him to come watch the kids. I started building resentment and told him to come over and if she wasn’t off the phone by the time he got here, the two of us were heading out. I walked inside with a pizza order ready for my kids and stood across the kitchen from her and texted her “do you want me to order you anything?” and included a screenshot of my order. She got off the phone and I told her to go upstairs and get dressed because we were going out. She asked where and I answered. She hesitated because D9 is a picky eater. I told her my B was coming to watch the kids and pizza is about to be ordered. “Go upstairs and change”. She replied with”going out sounds good but so does sitting on the couch. What do I want to do?” I simply replied “Go get dressed. We’re going out.” and she did. She grabbed her keys on the way out (I think this is her new power move because I can’t ride in the passenger seat and she knows it). I Saw all this play out and knew where it was going. I planned for it in advance and already had my keys in hand and unlocked the truck before she could make her way to her car. W: “Oh, you’re driving?” Me: “Yep”. She changed venues in the way out of the neighborhood and decided on one of our tried and trues. I told her great choice and I only picked a new place to get out and try something new. She appreciated it but wanted some comfort food. We sat at the bar and ordered dinner and drinks and then got into it. She asked what been up with me the past few days. She noticed some real changes but got confused when I started ghosting a couple days ago. Precursor: she mentioned before we left that she had scheduled an IC appt but first session isn’t until December. I brought up my discouragement with my IC and the yoga BS and she told me to stop. I said I want to give it one more try and she agreed. I then moved on to my doc’s appt and the fact that nothing really came of it and I was frustrated. I told her it’s been a rough week and I didn’t want to burden her with it. She fully understood. From there, convo went 180. It became full on vent mode and release of resentment. Ultimately it boiled down to her bar being set so high with the kids that any failure is exploited. On the flip, my bar is set so low that anytime I go over it, I’m put on a pedestal with my kids. Not only did I validate, but I did so absolutely naturally because I fully empathized with her. She was 100% spot on with everything she said. I flooded her with validation. However, I told her that I’ve already been down this road, realized my mistakes, wallowed in the guilt, and let go of it. I told her I won’t be beaten down by it again because I can’t change the past. I also told her I won’t stop doing what I’m doing because it’s making me happy and I understand her resentment towards it but that’s something she’s going to have to work on individually and she fully acknowledged and understood everything I said. She said I shouldn’t change what I’m doing and she’s been encouraging me to do it for a long time. I validated.
I’ve never truly understood or appreciated the concept of validation until tonight. It’s like a magic spell that can briefly put you on the same wavelength; and even initiate a level of emotional intimacy, with someone who so recently hated you. It’s amazing.
