Thanks for stopping by Wiley. Wiley, thank you for confirming that no one needs to be treated the way that I am being treated.That is why I decided to no longer be a doormat, pushover, and dart board for his own guilt and infidelities!!!!!!
You asked me to think long and hard about why I want to be w/H.
H and I have a lot of history. I will briefly tell you a bit. I met H when I was 15. I had a very traumatic childhood. My dad got killed when I was 8 years old. My mom abandoned us and turned to drugs after his death! There were 7 of us. My fathers parents took custody of us.We ranged in age from 8 mos-14 yrs old. My G-Mom died when I was 13 and G-Pop died of brain cancer when I was 16. We took care of him @ home until he died.
My 2nd to eldest brother was 20, me, then 3 younger siblings. We managed to stay in our g-parents house after their death. My brother worked and I worked and went to H-School. After I graduated high school I got an apartment @ 18 yrs. My brother wwas tired of taking care of younger siblings ages 11,12,13. I took them and raised them with the help of H. We raised them and got them all out of high school. H has been there thru my grandfather dying, raising my siblings and just a few years back my brother committing suicide. He has been very supportive of me.....I am not making excuses for him but I think that he feels that he has always been so entangled in my emotional turmoil that I somehow cause his unhappiness. I told him that is called unconditional love. You did not do those things becasue you wanted something in return but because you love me and wanted to support me through hard times.He has made the comment that he has spent half of his life taking care of me. I corrected him by saying we have spent our lives taking care and supporting of each other. At least that is what I thought. I think he is in a depression and does not know it. I know that I have spent almost half of my life in and out of depression, in and out of therapy. Whenever we get to traumatic issues I stop therapy. I have have associated everything that I have ever loved with pain. I think I did it with H as well and subconscoiusly tried to push him a way before he abandoned me.
Wiley, I thank you so much for saying something that actually bought tears to my eyes. That is no one desrves to be treated this way. I have allowed myself to be treated this way because I felt that I was in debt to him and he has given me so much more than I have given him. My confidence level and self- esteem has suffered beacause of fear of abandonement. I have been a wonderful wife, aa mother that has raised a gifted child (acording to his IQ)He is 11 going to the 7th grade! I am not only a mother and a wife but I work full-time as a QA coordinator for a hospital. I keep a beautiflu clean house and prepare a hot meal for my family everyday. I may nmot have been the perfect woman but I was the best woman that I knew how to be. I may not have loved completely with everything that I have but I loved the best that i knew how considering my painful backround and being afraid to love someone with my all, for fear of losing them. I am typing through tears because if nothing else comes out of this I am learning to face my demons from the past, to love, and that I am worthy of a healthy and respectful love. I may not YET BE THE WOMAN THAT GOD INTENDED ME TO BE, BUT I AM NOT THE WOMAN THAT I USE TO BE! I made a decision when I set those boundaries that it is a win win situation for me wether I come out of it with H or not. I will come out loving myself and having dignity and respect.
I have supported him through his nephew dying, an arrest, his g-mom dying and at 1 time being unemployed. I have helped him get an excellent job.I have never bought it up because supporting him is a part of loving him. Isn't it?
