My gut feeling is to validate and give the key back. Except my gut gut feelings are always to placate her
Maybe, validate without placating her?
Originally Posted by "Revised"
Her: I want your key back to the house.
You: Let me think about it
Her: I only backed down and gave you the key back because It he dog was dying. I knew you wouldn't change, I thought you knew what you had done to me. I let my guard down by giving key back. You haven't changed.
You: My not handing over the keys just now, makes you feel I don't get what harm my years of alcoholism did to you.
Her: I knew I should never have let my guard down. I thought you were working on yourself to realise what you have done to me. It's all an act I thought you had changed.
You: You feel I haven't even been trying to understand how my alcoholism affected you.
Her: I don't trust a word you say.
You: You don't trust my words, only my actions.
Her: I'm not talking to you until you give the key back.
So today started with a ream of messages from her regarding work
I replied to all and asked how daughter was, said I didn't want to fight and suggested 2 named people who could hold emergency keys.
Her: I don't want to discuss kids, house, or us until I have received legal advice.
Me: I understand
Then throughout the day 30 odd messages back and forth regarding our business.
Several blaming me for small errors.
Her: you made a mistake, it's not the mistake it's your refusal to accept responsibility for it.
Me: it was totally on me, and accept it was my mistake.
Then more and more messages throughout the day, basically very directorial again and looking for any errors on my part.
Haven't bitten or tried to defend myself
Just exhausted and worried now that she is talking legal advice this is going to get messy and she is going to double down on the narrative that I'm an abuser,
I want to regain her trust, feel that I should return the key as a peace offering as I want to be able to co-parent and move forward amicably with some trust.
When abuse is involved I think she can only picture me as some sort of monster, she feels unsafe and is exaggerating the threats of things I may do, like enter the house.
If I'm being honest I was holding onto it as some symbolic thing. It doesn't matter, legally house us still half mine.
I texted her to let her know key was in the bag on step, that I didn't want to fight or for her to feel unsafe.
Her: I'm not buying your b###sh#t, you only gave it back because I'm getting legal advice and victim support.
Me: I'm actually going against advice, because I truly don't want for you to feel unsafe.
Her: I don't trust a word you say, you probably got a key cut, stay away from me. Her: and my friends , stay away from them and don't talk to them about me, make your own friends.
(This is because I had bumped into her friends at the pub , and said hi, hardly anything more)
Me: understood ,I will not speak to any of them, I had only said hi to ------ and did not discuss us.
Her: I have spent a long time nurturing those friendships and you have not, I wouldn't speak to your friends, Boundaries! Her again:stop playing Mr nice guy! You were not nice to me And then suddenly you have worked it all out and are friendly and charming and making me look nuts for ending it with you for abuse. Stop it now!
I haven't responded to the last message, not going to I think. But her anger and rage against me seems insurmountable.
Can't stand that my wife feels I have been such a monster and don't know how to go forward with building any bridges or ever turning this around.
But her anger and rage against me seems insurmountable.
You again placated her, and she again responded negatively. I wonder where your rock bottom is where you'll find the strength to stop placating your ex-wife, take simple steps to avoid conflict like a parenting plan, and start listening/validating instead of justifying/minimizing her views.
The marriage is gone and she's switched from co-parenting to parallel parenting as much as possible--but you still have a business and kids together and she's still has feelings about you. If you make positive changes, you still have opportunities for her to see them. I've also found applying these skills in the workplace has helped with higher customer satisfaction scores and fewer expenditures.
JD, are you starting to understand why we told you not to move out in the first place? She has ZERO respect for you right now. You can't do ANYTHING right. Keep the key and you are a nasty abuser. Give the key back and you are a scared little boy that's bowing to threats of her hiring a lawyer. YOU NEED TO QUIT TRYING TO PLACATE HER!!!!! You are simply digging yourself deeper into the "disrepect" hole.
Originally Posted by Jdevast
If I'm being honest I was holding onto it as some symbolic thing. It doesn't matter, legally house us still half mine.
This is exactly why it DOES matter. The house is still legally yours, yours to live in, yours to come and go as you please. You've ceded all control to her, and what has it gained you? Nothing at all. You disgust her more than ever.
You are dealing with something you don't understand here. She is a WAS, and you have no experience with dealing with a WAS. That's what we're here for, to guide you through this. But you've got to listen! We can only give you the tools, it's up to you to use them.
My advice- cut all contact with her except coordinating kid visitation. Talk to a lawyer ASAP regarding your rights to move back into the house since you left voluntarily. If you can legally do so, MOVE BACK IN. She'll rant and rave and pitch a fit, but that's no different then what she's doing now. The point of moving back in isn't to anger her, it's to regain your self-respect and perhaps some respect from her (although she will never show it).
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I texted her to let her know key was in the bag on step, that I didn't want to fight or for her to feel unsafe.
Quit buying into her BS. She doesn't feel unsafe, she's trying to block you from access to the house, access that is legally your right.
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Her: I don't trust a word you say, you probably got a key cut, stay away from me. Her: and my friends , stay away from them and don't talk to them about me, make your own friends.
(This is because I had bumped into her friends at the pub , and said hi, hardly anything more)
Me: understood ,I will not speak to any of them, I had only said hi to ------ and did not discuss us.
She is controlling and manipulating you. Don't let her. I wouldn't even reply to this kind of crap. There's a time for validation but sometimes silence is better. I mean really, you're supposed to avoid all mutual friends at all cost? Like run the other way if you see them while you're out somewhere? Give me a break!
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I haven't responded to the last message, not going to I think.
GOOD! More of this!
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But her anger and rage against me seems insurmountable.
It is for now. Time and space is all you can do because she has to sort this stuff out herself.
