I am as logical as anyone. Computer Science/Math degree. I think very linearly, very evidence-based. Etc.
Here is the thing, logical doesn't always apply to matter of the heart. I always thought much like you discuss above. I am very untrusting by nature. People have to earn my trust. And most people, if they break that trust, never get another chance at me trusting them. But I love my W. And just as my Father above loves me and forgives me, I too extend that to those I love. There have been lots of spouses that say "if my spouse ever cheated then that would be it" and have ended up taking their spouse back after an A.
But here is the thing. By nature a cheater is also a liar. It is almost IMPOSSIBLE to cheat on your spouse without lying. "Where were you?" "Oh we had a meeting with upper-management run late, and I couldn't just leave or make a call."
SO is it any surprise that when you confront them they lie? Of course not! The lie is the smallest part of all. Someone that would violate the sacred vows of marriage to sleep with someone else isn't going to blink twice about lying about that!
Remember, lying isn't just about telling an untruth, it is also about not telling the whole truth. Or withholding the truth. Dishonesty in general. So once she cheats, she is already a liar (because she promised before God and witnesses she never would do that). Lying about it after the fact, or not lying about it after the fact, doesn't change that!
There are two things that you said that really hit home with me (in bold). I’ve let go of the lying part because the two are automatically linked as you said, and lying is the least of the two worries. No need to treat them as separate issues.
I am a “trust but verify” type of person until trust is officially established. There are very few people in my life with whom I have absolute trust. I do not yet have any proof that my W has broken that trust so for now I have to give her the benefit of the doubt and mentally dismiss a possible A when interacting with her. I do love her and want to fully trust her again but realize that there’s a lot of work to be done before we get back to that point (for both of us). My frustration is that even if she’s ready to discuss the MR, I don’t know if she’s in a place to make any progress. I feel like she’s moving back to sweep it back under the rug. As much as I love my W and want nothing more than to move forward with forming a new R with her, I can’t do it if she’s not willing to take initiative and commit to real change on her part. Of course I can’t tell her this so, hence my frustration. She’s starting to give me what I’ve been wanting, but now I don’t want it in this easy way. I need change. I know I’ve been quite emotional and I feel like it’s maybe a good thing. I’ve come to terms with the fact that there is most likely an A and I’m still here. If/when the truth comes out, I think I’ll be in a better place to handle it having already ridden a part of this rollercoaster. I know it will be a struggle to keep myself level headed, but getting some of this out now should make for less emotion of/when it does happen.
Thank you Steve for helping me to stay grounded through this. This is where my mom would have shined but I haven’t had this type of support in almost 10 years. Thank you all again.
