Where do I stand?

[SteveLW]

This was my W to a "t". Very religious upbringing, very devout, heavy on the Catholic guilt and very worried about being the "good girl" and about what others would think. Sandi2 was a bit like this too. Thing is, this can ironically feed the rebellion dynamic in women that leads to waywardism. I had front row seat to this with my W... Alot of it came out and got explored in detail in MC. Bottom line, in MY wife's case it remained a beacon, however faint, and was eventually a significant contributor to her "coming back" to the marriage. But don't for a second think that your religious "good girl" W can't become a WW and have an affair... Sometimes that background, in combo with the right factors, can be a
significant factor in them falling int waywardism and affairs.

Whether or not that's something you can live with and ultimately forgive is for you to decide...but you need to make room in your reality for that possibility, despite your W's good girl background

This is the struggle. There is no gray area here. She is either 100% innocent of all the ill charges I’ve brought up, or she’s not only cheated on me, but lied to me as well. If the latter, all trust is gone and without trust, there is no foundation. No foundation? Let’s go find somewhere else to build.

Sometimes I hate how logic applies. However, I can’t imagine life without it. I truly feel sorry for those that lack it because their reality is generally so far off base.

I am as logical as anyone. Computer Science/Math degree. I think very linearly, very evidence-based. Etc.

Here is the thing, logical doesn't always apply to matter of the heart. I always thought much like you discuss above. I am very untrusting by nature. People have to earn my trust. And most people, if they break that trust, never get another chance at me trusting them. But I love my W. And just as my Father above loves me and forgives me, I too extend that to those I love. There have been lots of spouses that say "if my spouse ever cheated then that would be it" and have ended up taking their spouse back after an A.

But here is the thing. By nature a cheater is also a liar. It is almost IMPOSSIBLE to cheat on your spouse without lying. "Where were you?" "Oh we had a meeting with upper-management run late, and I couldn't just leave or make a call."

SO is it any surprise that when you confront them they lie? Of course not! The lie is the smallest part of all. Someone that would violate the sacred vows of marriage to sleep with someone else isn't going to blink twice about lying about that!

Remember, lying isn't just about telling an untruth, it is also about not telling the whole truth. Or withholding the truth. Dishonesty in general. So once she cheats, she is already a liar (because she promised before God and witnesses she never would do that). Lying about it after the fact, or not lying about it after the fact, doesn't change that!