Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 5

[DaB35]

Found a few old threads with helpful thoughts on them:

State your goals (consistent with your beliefs) and come up with a plan of action. If your actions work keep doing it, if not try something new. Open your mind and don't let fear hold you back from acting.

If you love your spouse and let them go. It's not lying to do that, even though you don't feel that is the best thing to do. Understand your feelings, know why you feel the way you do and take healthy productive action based on your goals.

You have a choice in how you handle things. You can choose the path of love, self-respect, healthy communication, forgiveness and responsibility for your self. Or you can choose to be a victim, make others responsible for your feelings and let things happen to you. "Love your neighbor as yourself."

Don't let your feelings define you. Let your actions which is a sign of your character. Handle it.

I feel I have let my W go. I admit I have not dropped the rope entirely because I think about her still and occasionally wonder what she's saying to others in her circle about me. However, we are not talking very much at all unless it's about progress on the D or the house sale. I am not pursuing by reaching out or pleading. I do miss her still though. I have tackled my issues and am working on them; so far so good really.

The path I'm currently on is I think the right one - my actions for myself are working, and I do think they are healthy and productive. I'm working on letting my actions be more natural and just part of everyday conversation with friends and family ("I can do that when I get back from the gym" etc.).

And they may (I say may because the WAS has the free will to just never look back even if we hate that thought) look back and see that a strong, desirable individual has replaced their clingy, distressed and depressed spouse.

I don't know what she is thinking. As a WAS she does not show any sign of R, although since we've not seen each other in 2 months and hardly spoken in that time, I guess she doesn't know what I've been up to. I was a WH to a degree and now a LBH.

I'm not blaming W for what I did, but we certainly both contributed issues to the M; neither of us communicated this effectively enough at the right time and in the right way. If she were upset with me she'd rant, slightly belittle and lecture me, whereas I'd bury the frustrations I was experiencing from her actions.

My quandary is - I don't know if I should 'give up' on her or M, or stick to 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst'. She has no compunction to put in effort to R or discuss things. I do. She is seemingly still stuck on the "I can't believe you'd do this to me. You clearly don't love me" stance.
She wants D. I don't. I am co-operating but not speeding it along. Not sure if her feelings back in July/August of saying she was feeling sad and devastated that 'it's all ended' and losing a lot have changed. I am not sure how she will react (or me for that matter) when we see each other again. I don't know when that will be. It's possible we don't see each other til the new year.

I know that a lot of DBers here feel my W has reacted strongly and things have moved way too quick without much reasoning, although I accept my wrongdoings wholly. Despite this, I am certainly not feeling the same levels of anxiety, stress, worry, poor self-image, and to a degree depression that I concealed from W which led to all this mess.