“Well since you don’t have work you can pick up S from school” she sneered “I’ll be home whenever I get home” “Ok no problem” I replied
She is disrespecting you. Think of a better response:
When you.... I feel.... If you.... I will pick up son from school. If you continue.... I will.......
W:"want anything?" H:"Yes, 2 burgers, no pickles"
W “you walked upstairs and went to bed without saying anything. F$&k you! You were at the bar for three hours and was alone the whole time. Bull! Who did you go with?!?!?!? Me uhh nobody W bullish!t!! Me. You’ve been walking around the house for a week not saying a word to me. And I come home and your in the bathroom with the door closed and your mad because I didn’t talk to you?
H:"You seem angry"
H:"I can see why you would feel that way"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I’m finally calling her on her bs. I’m not letting her walk all over me. You guys were right from the beginning. All the things I refused to believe. Tarzan and vines and such. She is just using me. The people in the know about my sitch think there is 0% chance we work this out. I think I just need to sit her down for “the talk”. Unless there is a reason not to?
If you are okay with getting a D, then go for it. But do not sit her down for the talk unless you are 100% sure you want to be D'd.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Her moods do NOT affect me in any way. I’m worried about how they will affect our son.
Non of us are perfect. Our parents are not perfect. We all do the best we can with what we know.
Read coaches post about attraction again. Make plans to go to a parenting class. Tell W what your plan is. If she shows interest, invite her. You go regardless of her decision. Buy parenting books. Read them. Let her see you reading them. Leave them laying around in case she wants to read them.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Oz, you seem to bounce back and forth a lot between "I'm working on myself and letting her be!" and "I'm done and ready to divorce her right now!!!!" Before you are ready for D, you will typically go through a months-long period of introspection where you consider where you've been in life, where you are, and where you want to go. You'll consider this in a calm, neutral fashion. You'll weigh how your W plays into this as the person she is now versus who she will be in the future (if she never changes then do you want her as part of your life? What if she changes, will it matter?) If you decide divorce may be the answer, then you will give a lot of thought to what that looks like and start preparing yourself mentally. I don't think you've had that thought process yet, and you need to. So take some time for yourself and do that. As for this:
Originally Posted by ozman
I have an extremely fundamental question. This is divorce busters . Com. What if I’m no longer interested in busting this divorce.
A major component to most of the recons here has been the LBS letting go of the desire to stay married just for the sake of it. When you detach, drop the rope and let go then often that means you are ready for D yourself, and often that is the event that triggers a change in the WAS. The "trick" is you have to really mean it, not just be doing it to try and get her back. So I don't think that a LBS pursuing D is a reason to no longer post here, because that may very well be the trigger for reconciling.
Wow. What an amazing amount of excellent advice! I’m floored. Thank you
Is this actually where I want to be? Does this mean I could actually be really good at divorce busting now? Is it a paradoxical “in order to save your marriage, you have to not care about saving your marriage”?
Here is where I am. Being 100% truthful
1 the only thing that I’m worried about getting D’d. Is the process of it. The lawyers and such 2 if she goes or stays. It matters very little to me. I just want her to find happiness, as a fellow human. 3 I’m not angry, bitter, sad, hurt, or any other volatile emotion. 4 I feel a strange sense of calm and happiness, or rather, contentment. 5 when I’m not around her, I do not think of her at all. I do not care who she is with, where she is, or what she is doing. 6 I have no idea what my future holds, and I’m totally ok with it. 7 I’m very comfortable by myself 8 I’m worried about the impact of D on our S, who cannot understand D. (He is very upset when we are not both home) 9 my Life seems completely open to possibilities 10 I believe I’m 100% detached. And I’m unsure of what to do now. I feel invincible to anything she could do to hurt me. Except take away my boy.
But yea. Whatever happens to my marriage doesn’t really matter very much as long as I did what was right for my boy and I conduct myself with dignity
On #8, a good child psychologist can help with that. Separation anxiety is not a good thing. Kids need to be ok with being away from mommy and daddy, let alone having to be with BOTH of them all the time. Consider getting him some guidance to deal with all of this. Obviously she is not going to be much help right now, and oz, I think you've admitted to your own issues which means getting him some help is paramount.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The people in the know about my sitch think there is 0% chance we work this out. I think I just need to sit her down for “the talk”. Unless there is a reason not to?
I think you dig through my quotes, looking specifically for one by coach that contains a phase like this:
This is what I need in my marriage. Right now, I do not see that.
While you are digging you clip out other wise pieces. You build up a nice "script" that you want to say to your W.
You post a draft here. We give you feedback. You refine it several times over several weeks. You then practice it. Many times. You then tell her, "We need to talk. Are you free tomorrow at 4pm?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
thank you. I’ve thought about this all day. If I end it now. We could divorce amicably. And likely remain friends. That is what’s best for Son. That is what will benefit a barely verbal autistic 9 year old the most. So it’s what I must do
