My settlement update email to H. Please advise if this sounds OK?
"Hey, here's the situation. To qualify for the refinance amount on my current income, I have to use child support payments as supplemental income. My broker said the banks require six months' evidence of continuous payments because there's no guarantee it will continue to be paid. So there's nothing I can do except wait for that time period to elapse. Sorry for any inconvenience."
Is the refinance amount mortgage plus $ to H or just mortgage? If the former, and he isn’t aware as yet child support is being factored into your borrowing capacity, then ascertain max borrowing capacity you have without CS being factored in (ie just on your income) and tell him you’ll pay him whatever it is you can borrow above the mortgage amount because that’s your capacity.
Or, tell him what you’ve posted in the update email but add if he does a binding cs agreement you won’t have to wait 6 months (provided a bcsa is valid income for the lender per my previous postings). A bcsa will cost a few grand though.
Or, include a clause in the consent order that rather than refinance the mortgage into your name you’ll be responsible for mortgage repayments and indemnify him pending refinance in 6 12. 18 whatever months time.
If none of the above suits you, then your email sounds ok but I’d drop the inconvenience part at the end. Maybe drop the current income bit too as that may prompt him to hound you to get a better paying job
Cheers DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
No worries scout anytime and thanks for your kind words
Don’t mean to repeat but I’d still try to lock in h with final parenting consent orders. Sell it as a package deal with the property orders with your lawyer drafting it all at the same time. It’s one lot of orders then and one application. H may change mind in future about you having custody of your S. plus you can always vary by consent later.
Good luck cheers DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
The legal separation is progressing. I should have pre-approval for my mortgage refi soon which will give me the confidence to file the consent order.
Ran into somewhat of a sticky situation with S1.5's daycare. They informed me that on H's morning he often drops him off very late, which causes disruption to the class when they are engaged in activities/lunch/nap. Also, a late arrival without notification counts as an absence, which negatively affects my subsidised fees. H doesn't contribute to said fees so it doesn't affect him.
I passed this onto H in the spirit of sharing information between co-parents, but I wonder if he would have seen this as an attempt at control on my part? Me being controlling (whether accurate or not) was his BIGGEST bugbear and he is easily triggered over it. He only sees our son twice a week and he may feel resentful that his time is being dictated by others. Am I reading too much into this situation and caring too much about how he may/may not feel?
He didn't respond to the message, but that isn't new and doesn't mean anything.
If I understand correctly, the daycare is yours--you're the one paying for it.
As long as you're not making him use your daycare, setting conditions for its usage doesn't sound controlling. E.g., he can take advantage of your daycare or not take advantage of your daycare.. but if he wants to take advantage of it, then he needs to ensure there are no more than X tardies/absences in a Y calendar period. Alternatively, he agrees to pay a small fee for any absences so you're not the one caught paying them.
I'm on the outside looking in! Just a quick thought.
He hasn’t responded to my settlement update email from Tuesday, but I suppose it didn’t require a response. I was expecting pushback because he’s not getting what he wants immediately. We’ll see how that unfolds.
Something I struggle with is being calm and relaxed in person when there are potentially difficult logistical discussions waiting to be had. I blurt things out, become visibly agitated, struggle to look H in the eye, give short responses, walk away while talking. None of which is conducive to creating a safe environment for him to feel comfortable around me.
This is the negative flip side of my assertive and driven personality. I’m a doer and don’t like to sit on uncomfortable things for too long. I’ve realised this isn’t always considerate of other people’s opinions or feelings. Of course DB principles teach the exact opposite approach, so this is probably my toughest but most necessary lesson to learn. To ask a doer to do nothing is hard! But it’ll help me be more empathetic and less stressed.
I’ve been working on managing my anxiety in these situations by writing down some small talk scripts. Starting with the absolute basics which sounds silly... “Good morning H, how are you today?”, “Have a good day, see you on Thursday”. I tend to lose these niceties when I’m emotionally overwhelmed, so this will be my focus until it becomes second nature.
I’m actually really grateful for this opportunity to know better and do better. Thanks H!
Just musing on this question. We are technically separated but not legally yet. Can't file for divorce before 12 months have passed. H is at the very least physically involved with someone else. Putting aside the question of whether it started before or after BD, is what he's doing considered:
A) cheating B) having an affair C) neither?
I've heard all three from different people depending on their own moral and ethical beliefs.
From your perspective, he's cheating. From his perspective, he's not. As far as he's concerned, it's no more cheating than if you were dating and broke up. There's just a little bothersome paperwork in this case.
And nobody else's opinion really matters.
My question for you is: if things do work out and you reconcile, will you ever be able to forgive him for cheating in your eyes?
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
You posted on a thread that I created many years ago over on the MLC Forum. I have responded to you, as well as kml. Please create a thread of your own and link your threads from here to your new thread in the MLC Forum. It is far easier for you to track your postings if you create a thread so that you can refer back to the responses, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
