Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 5

[DaB35]

Crdcheck thanks.

Yes I didn't get a chance to really discuss the 'why' with W. She was angry and my IC had only just begun so we hadn't explored lots of stuff at the time. W is extremely impatient and lazy, so she demanded a full-on explanation after my first 2 sessions of IC. She was not happy when I couldn't supply that.

I agree; I wish we approached the situation differently. Her to not broadcast it to all and sundry, and me to DB quicker and validate when she was talking to me during the 'softer' period we had together in June.

I'm glad that you are still looking in the mirror, learning, and so on. One of the things that I wonder about the WAH/WAWs vs those on these forums is whether they will come out the other side of this better than when they went into it. Reading your posts makes me confident that you are stronger and that gives me hope for myself, too.

Yes I wonder this too. Once D is done, will my W feel she is stronger? Will she feel there is a huge me-shaped gap in her life for a long time? This hit her hard; she went on ADs and lost weight etc. I felt awful for her and really wanted to help but couldn't. All I could do was take a back seat and hear about it secondhand or from her a few days/weeks after the fact.

Yes you'll definitely feel better about yourself. You're not an evil person; you're not an abuser or anything. You have just made a mistake, like lots of people on these forums.

NICE!!! It's awesome to be noticed.

My thoughts too! It was nice to hear that today. I needed a little lift.

By not taking that same path (calling our Ws "crazy" and so on) we at least aren't creating additional barriers. I regularly think back to the castle and the picnic metaphor that is used so much here - W may build higher and thicker walls, may even throw some things at me, but I'm going to have a great time at my picnic (might even put some New Order on :)), and she can decide if she wants to participate. Having said all of that, I still share your fear.

Absolutely. I can understand how fearful it can be for you too. I am deliberately not creating barriers to her, or anyone for that matter. Just moving along my little path. Not really sure what's up ahead, but I'm taking things slow, trying new things, getting myself to feel good mroe frequently and worry less about general life.

One other thing to consider - W has been making some stuff up about me, more than exaggerations. On the one hand, it angers me that she's slandering me and sad that it's how she feels. On the other, my taking the high road consistently seems to be swaying people to the idea that this isn't as black and white as it may seem on the surface. To be clear, I'm not telling them that she's wrong, I'm showing it with my behaviors.
She is holding certain things hostage but I'm not reciprocating - these actions seem to be adding up to those around and, hopefully, she will one day see that the narrative she has for me is not aligned with reality. In your case, you participated in an activity that most people participate in - I'm not saying that it's right or wrong, that's for you to decide. But I have to imagine that some people listening to her are a bit confused as to why she's throwing away an M over that (especially considering the changes you are making).

I see what you mean. I have no idea what she is saying. None of the friends I have up near where our house is have spoken to me for nearly 6 months now. I'm doing the same as you - take the high road, not out of spite but to demonstrate that I'm not a deadbeat loser or hopeless cheater she might be painting me as.

A part of me fears that others my think of that new-found confidence as arrogance, that I don't care how I've hurt her. That isn't true. I am not going round badmouthing W to anyone. I have worked out some flaws of hers and how my NGS made me let those slide even when they'd really upset me.

The length of time that I did what I did and how I concealed it from W for such a long time was definitely wrong, and I realise this. Yes I do think there are some that might question her intention to throw a M away over it, when I have not had a PA or met up with anyone or kissed anyone. I'm not downplaying anything but just stating the facts.

As for the musical picnic, I'll also put New Order on, and add Tears for Fears, The Police, Talking Heads, Prefab Sprout, and Toto to the list.

[I've just really got into Genesis' Trick of the Tail album - not 80s I know but still amazing! Makes me want to buy some Moog bass pedals. I love the opening bass note of Dancing on a Volcano!]