Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

Thank you for explaining what you meant about standing, divorce, and how it is with H behaving in such an evil manner. H is sure on a destructive path.

do you mean that I am not supposed to decide about standing until I feel peace and healing? I kind of understand that idea and sometimes I accept it. But I feel like I keep regressing as far as the pain.

I don’t know about “supposed to”. It’s more of a suggestion. You’re a grown woman, and can do what ever you want.

BUT, yes. You are supposed to make those kind of decisions from a place of peace and healing.

I am glad to hear this from you. I like to see that you are human and not just pure enlightenment.

Lol. Ya, I’m human.

I figured you’d appreciate my telling of that.

It's the sleepovers really that terrify me. Seeing H for the day or an afternoon, that does not scare me. It's the household, the home aspect that scares me. Does that make sense?

Yes, that makes sense.

A visit is short. A sleepover, that home aspect, normalizes it somehow.

What is it that terrifies you? D sleeping over isn’t it. Rationally, she is asleep. What possible future outcome(s) is this triggering?

And also that I want them to be very clear that he is crazy and that they do not have to trust his words or placate him. If they don't know that, I fear they will be just like I was, attracted to that kind of person as a mate. I know you will say that is fear, but it is also science. It is a very common trajectory.

It’s both. Yes, they can be attracted to that kind of person as a mate. And you are fearful of that.

Altering the trajectory of that is possible. I think you’d agree, one would have better results when clearheaded and not ruled by fear.

I agree with kids seeing the actual picture, in their case how their Dad is behaving. I would use the word irrational - not the word crazy - when discussing him. Remember he makes up 50% of them; they know that. Kids already wonder about the genetic disposition of this, and whether they can escape a similar fate. Crazy vs irrational, be accurate.

Yeah, but she didn't do it. She stayed with you, where she is more than safe. She doesn't even really see her mom. So how do you know it was sword and shield? You never really had to face it becoming real. I have had to face it and my fears are realized. I have to make peace with something different than you did and I am not sure how.

True. My daughter didn’t have to, didn’t choose to, and never even got the choice - she was tossed aside.

I never had to face it becoming real. That is the very place fear lives - in the not yet real possibilities. Once something happens there is no more possible future event - it’s here. Fear goes away, and concerns and other worries come up.

My fear was that daughter would want to live with Mom. She couldn’t, but that doesn’t stop fear. Fear is irrational and doesn’t make rational sense. You are looking at my fear through your rational lens.

How do I know it was sword and shield? I had to face my fear, without it ever becoming real. Face that I was scared of D wanting Mom more than me, something pretty common and standard in families - Mother’s Day is huge compared to Father’s Day. Had to face the resentment of D blaming me, wishing for different, wanting a Mom, not measuring up to Mom (which I do fall short of, she was an amazing Mother), and so on. All things possible - In My Mind. And quite irrational.

Mental assertiveness to rationalize the underlining fears triggered by thoughts and feelings of D wanting to be with Mom. Fears are rooted within ourselves. Triggered by external events perhaps, but the source is within us.

Fear is an amazing thing. I feared separation / divorce right until it happened (the real fear of course was abandonment). At that point it became a problem, something real which I could work through and solve.

If you can't hug me on the street then you shouldn't be hugging me at all. Go restore your marriage!

Hahaha. Good for you.

Hitting on you while roofing.

I do. But it's a battle. And I really do feel that I am putting D in harm's way, no matter what you say. So I can't look forward to them but maybe I can --

No matter what I say? Hmmmm. Sounds like a challenge. Just kidding.

No, you are quite correct. You feel how you feel. And you will continue feeling how you feeling until you change it. Whatever I say may influence you, but you control you. No one can make someone feel something directly.

“ So I can't won’t look forward to them but maybe I can --“. Can’t / won’t. One has possibilities and choice, one doesn’t. Your mind is listening.

Suck eggs. No. I am tired of how long this is taking.

Haha.

Suck eggs. Still makes me laugh. And think of coffee with sugar and heavy cream.

Have a great day.

DnJ