So I’m not sure if today is just a down day, but I’m letting my long fought suspicions get the best of me. I know the rules; always expect an A, but a part of me still has a strong trust in my W. As long as I’ve known her, she’s never lied to me (at least I’ve never caught her in one). I’ve expressed my concerns in the past and have outright asked her if she’s cheated on me and she’s always told me no; that’s not the type of person she is. She has to be in love before sex is an option. I know this to be true because she slept in my bed in college quite a bit when we were just friends and she had an out of town abusive boyfriend. Nothing ever happened despite my best efforts. I tried kissing her twice over the course of a year and was shut down both times because “I have a BF.” This is why I have held onto a few strands of trust and believed her a few weeks ago when I asked if she was having an EA (pre DB discovery) and she told me “no, I have a strong network of family, friends, and coworkers that I lean on now.” I’m now realizing that she no longer loves me and therefore, it is much easier to lie to me. If she doesn’t love me, there’s a good chance she has found someone else to love and will lie to me to protect an AP. Like I said, I’ve had my suspicions for a while but have been suppressing them with trust...trust that I now realize hasn’t been real for a while.
These are the recent events that, up until tonight, I have been able to dismiss:
Friday night, D was going to a sleepover so I offered to take our S to the lake to go hunting and give her a free night (give her space). When I woke up at 5:00 am and realized she never texted me that she was home safe, I checked the security camera to see if her car was in the driveway and it wasn’t. She told me she was out with a friend (who is contemplating a D) and stayed at their house. I never asked where she was, she offered but knows I could have checked the cameras and had an answer in case I had. I dismissed it as “old paranoid me”.
Sunday afternoon, I walked into the kitchen while she was on her phone. I saw her text window up and a big “heart” emoji in the middle of the screen. This very well could be her cousin that she confides in so I would normally dismiss it except that as soon as she sensed my presence, she switched screens to her fantasy team and immediately said “oh come on! My team [censored]!” That seemed like a very knee jerk reaction especially since she won by over 70 points. Again I dismissed it...180 and change my way of thinking and dismiss it.
Tonight, while W was working with S on a school project, I walked into the living room and saw D playing with Snapchat or some type of pic filters on W’s phone so I sat down next to her and let her take funny pics of me. As soon as W realized what we were doing, she came and ripped the phone out of D’s hands and took it away. Kids play with her phone all the time and she’s never done that before. D and I both were deer in headlights and just sat there in shock for a few seconds.
That was my last red flag and the last few strands of trust have finally snapped. I’m doing well with detaching but this is devastating nonetheless. I have no proof and no real way to gain it. She has a company issued phone and computer so now way to check records. She has to change her passwords every couple weeks so no way to check without asking her. She’s offered her phone to me every time I ask about this and I always refuse and tell her I trust her. She offered it a few weeks ago and I wish I would have taken it the. Since she got scared tonight, I’m sure she’s laying in bed right now wiping her phone and e-mail. She knows she was obvious and that I picked up on it.
I know that if I confront her again and ask for her phone but find nothing, I will erase all progress I’ve made so far and even take a couple steps back. However, not knowing the truth will eat at me and fill me with doubt and cause me to withdraw from her even though we’ve been making progress on becoming friends again. Not knowing makes me not want to be her friend. I have no idea what to do.
