Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 5

[DaB35]

Just found that that there is NMMNG Meet-Up group in London. I am tempted to go. I'll have a think about it and see if I can fit it in my weekly schedule; could be useful.

One thing I had remembered today suddenly was W accusing me of being a 'purveyor' of porn by being on a tube site, having a profile, maintaining that profile and contributing to the site by commenting etc. Doing her usual thing of taking a thought and discussing/stretching it to breaking point: saying there are lots of impressionable people looking at these sites every day and I was 'feeding' that world.
She is under the impression that I did it all because I didn't love her, didn't care about her, enjoyed it, preferred that world to my life with her, found my exes and her sister more attractive than her, didn't value the M, and would have had a PA if she didn't find out. She even told me after she discovered all this that she then worried if I was having an affair with my IC, a work colleague, or that I had a secret girlfriend in the town that I work in (40 miles from our house).

I understand her concerns of course; the mind would be going wild and her world would have come crashing down on discovering my lies. For example in one of the online chats I had I said I had a one night stand in college to impress the woman, when actually W was my first time at age 27. She now thinks I lied about her being my first. I even said I just had a GF and wasn't married. My IC says this was an example of compartmentalising the issue - separating W from it all, as I'd placed her on a pedestal and didn't want to associate her with it which is why I never discussed her in the chats, and kept it from her by almost blotting it out my mind for hours/days when I was with her or our friends.

I acknowledge she would naturally let thoughts run to certain conclusions. But at the time it was frustrating and so much to deal with, having all this thrown at me.

I realise I handled her accusations so badly during this process. I would immediately go on the defensive, no validating at all. I should have listened, empathised, and calmly told her the true situation.

Her family are rather dismissive of mental issues such as depression or anxiety etc. (despite the fact that, as mentioned in a previous thread, W has been trying to get her mum to go to IC for years yet her sister is always declaring in a rather unknind way, "Mum's mental!" or "Our mother is not a nice person."). They generally say stuff like, "Oh come on, just get on with it, stop with the poor-old-me."

When I initially explained to W that one of my issues was self-esteem and self-image she said "Everyone has that. I don't go on porn sites and send pics of myself to men to make me feel better though. Why'd you do it?!"

Not that helpful as it shames the person who is feeling down and doesn't advance any potential progress, when "OK, you're feeling [x]. That must be awful. What can I/we do to help you? How about we [x]?" would be far more useful.

I have to keep looking forward though; I am telling myself every day it is her loss as I am a very good guy. I have a much better view of myself and my self-worth has really increased, especially in the last couple of months.

Learning all the time!