Oz, congrats on the opportunity! Keep in mind your W is not a part of your support group. Don't solicit her advise, just make your decision based on what is best for you and inform her afterwards. If she rants and raves then tell her "this wasn't your decision to make and I am not looking to you for support, nor am I looking to you for criticism. I am simply keeping you informed of what is going on." Then leave the room.
Oz, congrats on the opportunity! Keep in mind your W is not a part of your support group. Don't solicit her advise, just make your decision based on what is best for you and inform her afterwards. If she rants and raves then tell her "this wasn't your decision to make and I am not looking to you for support, nor am I looking to you for criticism. I am simply keeping you informed of what is going on." Then leave the room.
Or, practice listening and validating. No need to change your mind, just validate her feelings (remember that is neither agreeing or disagreeing with her opinion, but merely demonstrating that you understand her feeling), then end the conversation ("I'm busy, I have to go plan how I'm going to attach my first week!"), and leave the room.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks everybody. I’m very excited. I passed all the interviews. Squared things away with my old boss. And I start Monday. I’m on terminal leave so I have a few days to myself! Very excited!
So check it out
H you seem down this morning W I am H what’s wrong W my life. I wish......... no...... you know what I’m gonna say it...... I wish I would have never married you, I wish I would have never had given birth to our son. I wish I had graduated high school and moved far away....
This was after last night when she told me she basically didn’t care if I died from cancer
Anyways I’m in a great mood today. I gotta go buy some nice clothes for the new job and I’m looking forward to it
Thanks everybody. I’m very excited. I passed all the interviews. Squared things away with my old boss. And I start Monday. I’m on terminal leave so I have a few days to myself! Very excited!
So check it out
H you seem down this morning W I am H what’s wrong W my life. I wish......... no...... you know what I’m gonna say it...... I wish I would have never married you, I wish I would have never had given birth to our son. I wish I had graduated high school and moved far away....
This was after last night when she told me she basically didn’t care if I died from cancer
Anyways I’m in a great mood today. I gotta go buy some nice clothes for the new job and I’m looking forward to it
Self-differentiation (detachment) is a wonderful thing! I tell newcomers all the time, when you get to the point where your spouse could come to you and tell you they had an orgy in a hotel with 10 other people, and your reaction is "Oh. Ok." Then you've achieved the right level of differentiation/detachment. It sounds like you are there. Remember, do not get caught up in her crazy. Empathize that her thinking is that way (I mean, a mother that wishes she hadn't given birth to her child!??!) because that has to be an awful place to be.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks everybody. I’m very excited. I passed all the interviews. Squared things away with my old boss. And I start Monday. I’m on terminal leave so I have a few days to myself! Very excited!
So check it out
H you seem down this morning W I am H what’s wrong W my life. I wish......... no...... you know what I’m gonna say it...... I wish I would have never married you, I wish I would have never had given birth to our son. I wish I had graduated high school and moved far away....
This was after last night when she told me she basically didn’t care if I died from cancer
Anyways I’m in a great mood today. I gotta go buy some nice clothes for the new job and I’m looking forward to it
Oz, this is fantastic! I am glad to see your W no longer can pull strings and change your mood, you DESERVE to be happy about this big change. She's not happy and she wants you to be as miserable and negative and mad at the world as she is, so she does her best to pull you down to her level and for a the longest time she was succeeding. Not now though, so well done! Actually this will be good for her too, because if you're happy when she's not then she'll start to realize that her negativity is coming from within rather than from you.
I used to post this every now and then, haven't in a while but this is what I used to tell people that asked what detachment is:
Not detached: W happy = you happy W sad = you sad W angry = you angry
Detached: W happy = you happy W sad = you happy W angry = you happy
Quite frankly, I'm appalled at how your W speaks to you. I'm sure you're not perfect and have made plenty of mistakes along the way but that does not warrant the cruelty that your W is exhibiting.
Great job focusing on you and detaching, you deserve happiness. And good luck in your new role!
Here’s what’s awesome. As she said those words this morning they had NO effect on me. I just didn’t say anything back. I felt great afterwards.
Here is a catch. I’m curious of your guys opinion
She took a nosedive when I told her about new job. She started scrambling to find a way to declare bankruptcy so she can separate herself from me. She doesn’t believe this job will work out. So when she found out I’m leaving behind a steady paycheck she is ready to leave. The people around me think she is just staying for the security. And I agree with them. So when I’m making 10k a month and she changes her tune and wants to work on M...... I’m not down with that
Advice. Cause I’m much more than a paycheck. And based on her comments last night it doesn’t make a difference if I die from cancer or not
