Perfecting my inner peace

[Rita]

Read some of HaWho's account of how her husband behaved during divorce, Gerda's or Pax's.

Reading along here and seeing my name in that list gave me quite a jolt. I was almost proud to be in such good company but part of me was also like, "Oh no, I am not like these other stories here." The denial is the knee jerk that you have to keep overturning! So then I started thinking, "Well, how DID my H behave during divorce?" and wondering what it looks like to all of you out there in TV Land. I realize I don't think I know that much about Pax or HaWho's D's unfolding and if they were like mine is.

In my case, all that I did all these years to stand bit me in the rear. Because I have been able to keep everything running on fumes and working many jobs, etc., without ever asking H for help, because by myself I cleaned up every mess, dealt with all the court cases and IRS and everything else from the biz he abandoned, even while I had cancer, his L was able to paint this massive lie of me hiding money or having secret sources, etc. His L also just lied in general, and my L kept telling me that the judge doesn't care about any facts or read anything until trial, so we wouldn't be able to debunk the lies til then. And in the end, I surrendered to a horrible deal that traps me for the next six months unless H (and OW) gets tired of waiting for his dream offer, just to avoid trial or H moving back in. But really the thing about my case is that it wasn't just H getting crazier and crazier and more and more vicious and convincing himself more and more that his delusions were real -- and it wasn't just that his lawyer was straight out of a movie of an evil ambulance-chaser lawyer -- it was my judge. Notoriously lazy -- e.g., won't read any documents or listen to anything you say unless you hire an expert -- even just a bank statement. Notorious for not caring about the children -- refused to listen to anything about H's drinking or neglect of the kids, etc., unless I hired an attorney for the kids. (She even literally screamed at me to shut my mouth about H when I said, "Your honor, I would really like to settle some issues about the children because I do not think my H is a fit parent," unless I had the money to prove it with a lawyer for the kids and a forensics person, etc.)

Point being -- learn your judge too. That can make or break things in terms of fairness so you want to be very pragmatic about the likely outcomes with your judge.

And finally -- for me, in the end I still want to save myself from some things I consider slaveries, and that I can only do via faith. I am trying to hold on to my house, despite the urgings of some of my friends here. But I am not fighting for what is fair in terms of how that happens, and I am totally at peace with losing that and anything else I have to lose. I would give H double what he would get by default if it would end this and if I had it. And I think I am still glad I chose to surrender to such an unfair settlement if it means I have more left of ME and my health for my kids. Even on a secular level, and especially if you don't have to worry about younger kids, I think it's better to surrender some of what you deserve for the sake of moving past this horror show as quickly as you can.

The last thing I will say is something my dad told me recently about when he and my mom divorced. She was about like my H in what she did (including accusing him of hiding money!), and my dad, though certainly not an easy guy to get along with, did not want to D. He told me that his L advised him to have no loose ends, nothing to keep him tied to my mom -- e.g., alimony, etc. He said to have it all settled once so there would be nothing left to argue about. So he did alimony as one payment in a credit on the house she kept, for example. Grace, I would advise you to take my dad's advice, esp if your H is that confused and if the grasping clawing OW is in the picture. Don't rely on future payments but take less as a lump sum off the asset now -- or in whatever way you can, let this be the end of it.

To me it sounds like your H could come out of this one day -- he says a lot of things to you that I have always wished my H would say to me. And I know you are open to restoration. But in both of your case and mine there was so much evil happening via the money ties and all related to the OW that the D seems like the only way to get a clean slate. The clean slate can be the start of your life without him -- or, if you ever want to restore, it can keep things very clear, you can rebuild as an independent woman with no financial expectations of each other ever again. I mean, sometimes you express some confusion yourself about your choice to pursue this divorce, but like DnJ says, the D is all about business, not about the vow per se. I thin you have made it pretty clear to your H that this is not what you want and that you are being forced into it because he has been so financially irresponsible with what is both of yours. But you can always let him know that again at some point if it feels right, that for you this is the end of your financial connection but does not have to be the end should things change one day. Until recently, I imagined that outcome for me too, that if H ever came back, I would never again have joint finances, no matter what. Now I can't really imagine him coming back but whatever happens, I am looking forward to having no financial ties to any man ever again -- except my dad! : )