Thank you so much for checking in on me! The court date is on 10/12. It’s a progress check in, for the court to stay up to date on our case. I’m absolutely dreading it with every fiber of my being. I’m super anxious about and feeling depressed. I had really hoped for things to have changed enough to not have to go.
I’ve found some part time work, and while it isn’t nearly enough to live off of, it does cut down on my financial burden and related anxiety, and it feels good to be out being productive and taking a bit of control of my life.
Things with H continue to on the same path: nothing but increasingly positive interactions, but no material changes. He asked to go trick or treating with me and D4 (Which was interesting considering that Halloween fell on his night with her) he texted me all that day for help trying to figure out a costume for himself, and I made dinner for the 3 of us. Some friends and their kids ended up stopping by before trick or treating. They are a couple that I am friends with through H, and we used to spend a lot of time together. We had a really good time, and it was like old times. Had a really fun night trick or treating and laughing together. At the end of the night once D4 was in bed I took a chance and asked H if he’d like to watch a movie with me. He responded “me?” as if he was very surprised Id be inviting him. He said he was really tired (he’d been falling asleep on my couch) but that he’d had a really fun night and he left.
I was a bit crushed but not surprised. I expected that I had spooked him and expected him to be cold and divorce focused after that, but it’s been quite the opposite. He’s been warmer and closer since Halloween, spent a bit more time around my place and helping out casually around the house. I obviously have no idea what the motivation is behind this. I HOPE that he was heartened/intrigued by my invite. I FEAR that he is just assuaging his guilt by being extra nice. I don’t know. What I do know is that this day in court is coming up quick, and I wish it weren’t.
I don’t know how I can handle the day in court gracefully. I doubt I’ll be able to keep from crying a lot, but that’s ok with me I think. It just sounds so painful and so awkward. It feels so disjointed to be going to something like that with him while we’ve been enjoying each other’s company so much lately. It’s bizarre. It feels like maybe I should handle it as a turning point in my interactions with H, but I’m not sure? As always, there’s a part of me that says “keep doing what you’re doing, it’s bringing him closer” and there’s another part that says “protect your heart, pull away, let him feel the real loss of you”.
That’s my update, any and all thoughts are welcome as always!
